Sometimes when I read my past writings, I think “I needed to hear that today” and I smile at the irony – it is me talking to me. This one though “How are others crazy affecting me” – well one of my light bulb moments (my way of describing when a new perception is instantly emotionally downloaded resulting in relief of my insanity) was me waking up to the idea that somewhere along the last 6 years I voluntarily surrendered my voice, especially professionally.
As a result of relationship trauma, we can fight or we can flight. For me, I said “fuck it” if they don’t want to listen, I won’t share. “the battle is obnoxious and makes no sense and I’m tired of not being heard.” – As much as I felt I was making a defining decision to survive the predicament I found myself in, I voluntarily gave in to what I perceive to be other’s crazy. I was not delusional, there were actions of others carrying the scent of misogynistic disarray.
Our crazy is unique to us. The amount of tolerance I can portray to carry regarding certain conditions is dysfunctionally impressive if there is such a thing. The feeling of guilt and shame were underlying my daily involvement working in such conditions, and I chose to wear their emotional jackets of patriarchy not realizing or admitting to myself that is what was happening. Today, I’ve been awakened yet again and this time honoring that I too can be the victim of others’ crazy. Until I experience exactly what I need to experience in order to have a new experience with my crazy, my thoughts, and my emotions will stay on that hamster wheel until I learn how to jump off.
For today, if your emotions regarding a particular area of your life are continually heavy and you feel you’ve done everything in your power to heal an area of your life, but it doesn’t seem to turn around, perhaps you are carrying the weight of someone else’s crazy. I personally needed help from another individual to help me see the veil of emotional ignorance I was living under.
And why do we do all this work? Because life is about growing and embracing the difficult moments to relish in the beautiful.
Enjoy the journey, you are worth it!