The Identifying and rectifying resentments to reduce professional meltdowns.
How do you catch a resentment in the early stages, BEFORE it festers and blows up? The day I spewed the words “You make me sick” to a subordinate I knew my cuppeth had runneth over, and not in a good way.
Without a doubt we both were in shock I said those words. Even as they trickled out of my mouth, I couldn’t believe I was saying them. Oops. Yep, one minute praising myself for understanding the principles of leadership, and the next I digress to the point of no return. I’m here to attest, it’s possible to swing from one end of the tandem to the other within a few seconds. The professional relationship I had with this person was going up in flames. Hell, it had burned to the ground way before I spoke those words. I didn’t like him. He didn’t like me. Although, this wasn’t the first heated discussion, it was the first time I literally blurted something out inappropriate to him.
What is the first sign a person or situation is no longer working for you? Anticipatory Resentment.
Resentment is the fuel; anger is the fire. With the right dose of fuel, anything can burn down. I accepted the power anger had over me when I became sober twenty years ago. It seemed anytime someone or something didn’t align with my expectations, I got mad. I often felt I had no part in the problem. My perception had been lacking open-mindedness because it was fueled with blame. Learning to uproot the resentment and then establish new beliefs was where my inner work lied back then. It still does today when things go off balance.
Essentially, resentment is the choice in “re-feeling” frustration, betrayal, angst, envy, irritation, disgust or exasperation about someone, something, or a situation. Resentment never feels good in the altruistic sense, but it can feel superior because of the false power and strength within the righteousness of it. That is what happened to me that day. I had built up feelings of frustration, angst, disappointment, and disgust. Where does the Anticipatory part come in? Well, read below. Do any of the items resonate with something you have previously thought about someone at work?
- “Here they come, I should make busy”.
- “I should have closed my office door. I don’t really have the time for this right now. They always talk so long”.
- “Every meeting we have, they are negative. Maybe I can tell them they don’t have to attend”.
- “They bring down the rest of the team”.
- “I swear they have it out for me, they don’t even acknowledge my ideas”.
- “They manage with their ego”.
- “They don’t appreciate anything we do for them”.
- “I just never seem to get it right; I think I need more clarification”.
Or maybe you find yourself confiding in your work buddy about the “worker bee”. You and your buddy agree the “worker bee” should be fired, but no one in upper management seems to understand that.
Anticipatory resentment is you expecting to be disappointed in life. Specific to the professional world, you expect to be disappointed in a policy, an individual, a work schedule …. you get the idea.
The joy sucker is when you are caught in a cycle of anticipating resentment, it’s challenging to turn it around. Most people are in this cycle when they abruptly resign from a job. Likely, it appears abruptly, however the thinking of what wasn’t working well for them began way before the actual resignation. Frankly, it will take a while to turn the boat of resentment around, but it is possible. I previously mentioned my recovery from addiction and alcoholism. I stated the “work back then”. There were a few key steps I took to let go of resentment, and remain feeling good about myself and my choices.
Below are a few suggestions that may help you uproot resentment, some of these are not original, but borrowed from the rooms of recovery. They save lives. At minimum, they might save your job or your relationship.
- Write all the resentments out. I caution you to keep this list of resentments somewhere private. I would encourage you NOT to leave it at work or in a place where someone will find it. Trust me, I personally learned from that one. NOT GOOD.
- Get the ick out of you. Confession in the religious sense has been around for centuries. I’m not suggesting you go sit in front a priest (unless it aligns with your beliefs) but I do suggest finding someone outside your circle, not personally affected by your life that can be a sounding board for you to read your resentments to.
- Find your part. This one might seem impossible. Often, we have played a part in an unsatisfying relationship whether we are judgmental towards someone, secretly avoiding them, or cursing them under our breath. Maybe we are jealous. Perhaps, our resentment is full of envy. Whoever you share your writings with would be a good person to ask for their feedback about your list.
- Think positively about them. After you have completed your writings and spoke with someone, practice thinking positive things about the person, situation, or thing that is causing you so much pain. There can’t be negative without positive. This will require due diligence on your part. It will entail you catching yourself complaining, thinking negatively, etc. Everyone should have something positive about them. Even my story above, the guy had some positive traits.
- Don’t ghost your resentments. They are painful for you to feel. You are not weak because you are not perfect.
The key ingredient to recovering from resentments is you must want to. Either you are tired of feeling frustrated or you have a few rounds of misery left in you. For me, I did the work. I let go of the resentment, and eventually let go of the job — but I did it without resentment. It’s possible.
