When their annoying behaviors have forced you to become biased with them, what to do?
“What are you looking for?” he asked. I knew the question was coming; it was as if I was telepathic. However, I have lost the luxury of thinking I am telepathic with Joe. We have been together long enough to understand one another’s predictable ways. Asking what I am doing as soon as he sees me doing it is what Joe does. I like to ask him if it’s for the book he is writing😊. This might sound like a cute exchange of words between a loving couple, but it took us a few rounds of dramatic arguments to arrive at his writing a book about my life. This is a mini speed bump for a relationship. Yet, annoying behaviors within your relationships will quickly become gigantic potholes if you don’t learn how to navigate them.
Have you been in a relationship long enough to become irritated with their predictable behaviors? Especially a habitual behavior? The types of relationships could range from parents to kids, co-workers, and spouses. You will recognize the irritation because it grinds your last nerve. You will want to sigh or call your BFF to complain again about why they annoy you. I don’t mean to sound like a Debbie downer regarding relationships. However, I do teach people how to elevate emotionally, and emotional elevation has a lot to do with creating the satisfaction we desire in our closest relationships. The first step in emotional elevation is awareness.
How hard would it be for you to become comfortable with someone’s annoying behavioral predictability? (A brief side note; some behaviors aren’t meant for you to become comfortable. Abusive behaviors come to mind; this includes passive-aggressive comments and actions, that’s another blog on boundaries). It becomes not whether THEY change but if you are eager to make changes to love them unconditionally. To accept them without condition. You might be asking; how do you get there?
If I knew Joe was going to ask, “what are you looking for or what are you doing?” why did I become irritated every time it happened? Ans: because in response to his behavior, I had my silent predictable reactions and sometimes expressed them verbally to him. See if you relate to any of the below feelings/thoughts:
- “You gotta be kidding me; doesn’t he trust I know what I am doing?”
- “I’m not his kid; I’m his partner; why doesn’t he get that?”
- “That feels controlling; can’t I move without being asked about it?”
- “Why do I feel like I’m doing something wrong when he asks me that?”
- “He continues to not listen to me when I tell him his questions bother me.”
Some of you might have relationships that want to know what you are doing, when you are doing it, and why you are doing it. You might even lie to them because you are tired of the follow-up and inquisitiveness that comes with questions. You feel shame and haven’t even recognized that this is the feeling it conjures within you. You feel scolded for doing simple things like running late by 5 minutes. So, what to do?
Lesson #1: Identify the behavior patterns that bother you.
You likely thought of some while reading this. Write them down. When do they do what they do? Is it at a particular time of day? Is it when you travel? When you organize the room a certain way, they ask you twenty questions. Is it when you go shopping together? Recognize the pattern of their behavior. What is going on in their experience when the behavior begins? For example, are they predictably irritable when they come home from work? What days? Instead of trying to get into their head about WHY ask yourself about the demographics of the behavior.
Why is this lesson #1? Because the behavior is theirs, not yours. Often, we get caught off guard by the behavior. We react to their behavior, all while feeling insulted by it. If you get ahead of the behavior, it won’t surprise you as much. This brings me to lesson #2.
Lesson #2: Create and practice a new response ahead of time.
You deal with it differently by creating new responses to your partner’s annoying behavior (this could also be mom, dad, kid, or co-worker behaviors) ahead of time. In my story about Joe, I used the “why, are you writing a book?” – That might sound argumentative, but he and I have already had this conversation, so he laughs when I say it. I did not start with that witty response when addressing the behavior; I initially said, “Why do you ask?” This created a scenario where he would have to stop and think why IS he asking me what he is asking me? For me, this was growth, finding a way to challenge his behavior (not him). By reducing the number of questions, he asked me, when he did engage in the behavior, it didn’t bother me like it used to. This brings me to lesson #3.
Lesson #3: Gain a new perspective.
So, what was behind Joe’s behavior? Does it matter? When someone’s behavior pattern is bothersome enough that you desire to self-reflect, it feels satisfying to witness the changes within the relationship for both of you. There are altruistic rewards when the behavior can no longer dominate daily interactions.
In my scenario, Joe and I got to talk about it. I found that what I was taking personally, 90% of the time, was him trying to be helpful. He wasn’t trying to be controlling or nosy. He was trying to help me. He wanted to be part of my routine. He learned that if I needed help, I could ask for it. Now, trust me, I could psychoanalyze the heck out of him. But why? What purpose does that serve? I can choose to have a new experience with his behavior and him or not. I corrected the behavior for me, meeting my need with me. He got to have a new experience by me heightening his awareness of the questions. Afterward, I got to have a new perspective on my husband. I got to unleash him from my biasedness. How many of your relationships are being held by your biased thoughts? Is it about them changing, or are you learning to show up in the relationship differently?
When it comes to your role within your relationships, maybe you got sidetracked by their annoying behaviors and forgot that their core attributes are why you chose to have them complement your life. The peace truly lies in coming full circle with yourself; we will never control others. Thank God. Recognize, take notice, apply new responses, and have a new perspective, therefore, a new experience. Simple.
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