Whether John Travolta in the movie Grease wore it better than Harry Winkler in Happy days is neither here nor there, the fact remains that the leather jacket leaves an impression. Is it just me, or does everyone consider buying a leather jacket at some point in their life? Maybe the subtle voice within tells us, “Be a badass,” It will look reallllllly cool!” Of course, as we age, most of us surrender to the idea that the leather jacket is best left to memories of years lived prior, for by the time most of us reach our midlife, a leather jacket of this sort would only invite giggles from teenagers, or concern from our adult friends. Yet, we all can agree that a great leather jacket is badass. So, where is the connection between a leather jacket and our emotions? Keep reading….

“Cassie called again; she is upset with how I handled my mom’s affairs,” Mary said. Those words might as well have trickled out of her mouth like water drops slowly dripping from a nearly closed-off faucet; she had shared similar words many times with me. As I heard the words, I visioned Charlie Brown’s teacher, “whah whah whah”. I felt guilty for thinking that way; the truth back then was that Mary’s dilemma challenged me. I questioned my ability as a coach to help her discover a new way of looking at her relationship with her adult daughter. Mary’s daughter Cassie continually criticized Mary about her lifestyle. Mary was celebrating a few years of sobriety; she held a steady job, probably spent too much money on her adult children, and was married to her alcoholic husband, who still drank, AND she was still sober and committed to her sobriety. Sometimes, concealing my frustrations about Cassie’s behavior was slippery for even me, and she wasn’t even my kid.

“Mary, I want to talk to you about the Emotional Jacket,” I said. As usual, Mary was eager to learn something new. She was studious in that way. I explained to Mary that Cassie (her daughter) represented an emotional hook of sorts. “Imagine a cool-looking leather jacket hanging in your closet. You know it’s not yours to wear, it doesn’t even fit you – it’s too heavy, but it looks very appealing and tempestuous. Although you understand it’s not your jacket, you still put it on. At first, it feels good. Looks good. You revel in your idea to try it on. But, the longer you have it on, you realize you are becoming uncomfortable in it. You feel the weight of it. It’s too heavy for you. It’s even bigger than you originally thought. It’s also hot. You suddenly regret putting it on. What were you thinking, you ask yourself. Next, you become pissed off at the person WHO owns the jacket – blaming them for your misery! It’s as if they violated you by putting their jacket in the closet. You then realize you have no idea how to take off the jacket that wasn’t yours to put on in the first place. Mary, you wear Cassie’s emotional jacket whenever she expresses disappointment with you or herself.  You emotionally wear her disappointment as if it defines who you are. Her emotions are not yours to wear; they are not your jacket.”  There was a long pause as Mary digested what I shared with her. She replied, “I get it; Cassie has her own opinions based on her life experience, and her emotions are a result of her life; she cannot possibly possess my perspective of the years I’ve lived, especially around my mother; how could she? Her fear, frustrations, and sadness are hers to own, and those emotions represent the jacket she wears. When I decide to wear her emotional jacket, I feel uncomfortable because those emotions are not my experience, nor should they be. My job is going to be to learn how NOT to wear her emotional jacket, or my husband’s for that matter.” I knew Mary understood another layer of how co-dependency and emotionally positioning herself within her relationships was working within her life.

When working with clients who seem prone to wear their family and friends’ opinions and judgments, I use the Emotional Jacket analogy. This allows a reframing of how they perceive their relationships and, more importantly, how they operate within them. Many people position their mental and emotional health in response to how they perceive the relationships in their life feeling at any given time. I base how I’m doing AFTER checking in with YOUR mood and disposition. I do not have my agency established UNTIL I see how you are feeling. Ever heard the saying, “I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around you?” This is a good example of someone treading lightly because when they are around someone who appears agitated, frustrated, or intimidating, they recoil and “stand down” per se. The goal becomes to identify when the Emotional Jacket looks appealing and learning not to put it on.

Susan Denee is the creator of the podcast, Know Your Crazy, syndicated through Transformation Talk Radio. She is a writer and a life coach. She is certified in High-Performance Coaching and is the creator of Emotional Elevation Coaching. She helps others identify the shame-based thinking and less desired behaviors that hold them back from accomplishing their next level of satisfaction. Her podcasts are known for their inspiration combined with genuine RAWNESS, in which she conveys the problem and the solution. Susan Denee is a sought-after industry speaker for the financial and healthcare industry and the addiction and alcoholism recovery community, focusing on healthy communication within relationships.

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“What are you looking for?” he asked. I knew the question was coming; it was as if I was telepathic. However, I have lost the luxury of thinking I am telepathic with Joe. We have been together long enough to understand one another’s predictable ways. Asking what I am doing as soon as he sees me doing it is what Joe does. I like to ask him if it’s for the book he is writing. This might sound like a cute exchange of words between a loving couple, but it took us a few rounds of dramatic arguments to arrive at his writing a book about my life. This is a mini speed bump for a relationship. Yet, annoying behaviors within your relationships will quickly become gigantic potholes if you don’t learn how to navigate them.

Have you been in a relationship long enough to become irritated with their predictable behaviors? Especially a habitual behavior? The types of relationships could range from parents to kids, co-workers, and spouses. You will recognize the irritation because it grinds your last nerve. You will want to sigh or call your BFF to complain again about why they annoy you. I don’t mean to sound like a Debbie downer regarding relationships. However, I do teach people how to elevate emotionally, and emotional elevation has a lot to do with creating the satisfaction we desire in our closest relationships. The first step in emotional elevation is awareness.

How hard would it be for you to become comfortable with someone’s annoying behavioral predictability? (A brief side note; some behaviors aren’t meant for you to become comfortable. Abusive behaviors come to mind; this includes passive-aggressive comments and actions, that’s another blog on boundaries). It becomes not whether THEY change but if you are eager to make changes to love them unconditionally. To accept them without condition. You might be asking; how do you get there?

If I knew Joe was going to ask, “what are you looking for or what are you doing?” why did I become irritated every time it happened? Ans: because in response to his behavior, I had my silent predictable reactions and sometimes expressed them verbally to him. See if you relate to any of the below feelings/thoughts:

• “You gotta be kidding me; doesn’t he trust I know what I am doing?”
• “I’m not his kid; I’m his partner; why doesn’t he get that?”
• “That feels controlling; can’t I move without being asked about it?”
• “Why do I feel like I’m doing something wrong when he asks me that?”
• “He continues to not listen to me when I tell him his questions bother me.”

Some of you might have relationships that want to know what you are doing, when you are doing it, and why you are doing it. You might even lie to them because you are tired of the follow-up and inquisitiveness that comes with questions. You feel shame and haven’t even recognized that this is the feeling it conjures within you. You feel scolded for doing simple things like running late by 5 minutes. So, what to do?

Lesson #1: Identify the behavior patterns that bother you.

You likely thought of some while reading this. Write them down. When do they do what they do? Is it at a particular time of day? Is it when you travel? When you organize the room a certain way, they ask you twenty questions. Is it when you go shopping together? Recognize the pattern of their behavior. What is going on in their experience when the behavior begins? For example, are they predictably irritable when they come home from work? What days? Instead of trying to get into their head about WHY ask yourself about the demographics of the behavior.

Why is this lesson #1? Because the behavior is theirs, not yours. Often, we get caught off guard by the behavior. We react to their behavior, all while feeling insulted by it. If you get ahead of the behavior, it won’t surprise you as much. This brings me to lesson #2.

Lesson #2: Create and practice a new response ahead of time.

You deal with it differently by creating new responses to your partner’s annoying behavior (this could also be mom, dad, kid, or co-worker behaviors) ahead of time. In my story about Joe, I used the “why, are you writing a book?” – That might sound argumentative, but he and I have already had this conversation, so he laughs when I say it. I did not start with that witty response when addressing the behavior; I initially said, “Why do you ask?”  This created a scenario where he would have to stop and think why IS he asking me what he is asking me? For me, this was growth, finding a way to challenge his behavior (not him). By reducing the number of questions, he asked me, when he did engage in the behavior, it didn’t bother me like it used to. This brings me to lesson #3.

Lesson #3: Gain a new perspective.

So, what was behind Joe’s behavior? Does it matter? When someone’s behavior pattern is bothersome enough that you desire to self-reflect, it feels satisfying to witness the changes within the relationship for both of you. There are altruistic rewards when the behavior can no longer dominate daily interactions.

In my scenario, Joe and I got to talk about it. I found that what I was taking personally, 90% of the time, was him trying to be helpful. He wasn’t trying to be controlling or nosy. He was trying to help me. He wanted to be part of my routine. He learned that if I needed help, I could ask for it. Now, trust me, I could psychoanalyze the heck out of him. But why? What purpose does that serve? I can choose to have a new experience with his behavior and him or not. I corrected the behavior for me, meeting my need with me. He got to have a new experience by me heightening his awareness of the questions. Afterward, I got to have a new perspective on my husband. I got to unleash him from my biasedness. How many of your relationships are being held by your biased thoughts? Is it about them changing, or are you learning to show up in the relationship differently?

When it comes to your role within your relationships, maybe you got sidetracked by their annoying behaviors and forgot that their core attributes are why you chose to have them complement your life. The peace truly lies in coming full circle with yourself; we will never control others. Thank God. Recognize, take notice, apply new responses, and have a new perspective, therefore, a new experience. Simple.

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The subtle killer of inspired action

Question: What’s the number one reason coaches fail? And what’s the number one key to success for a coach?

Ans: The Key to Failure: taking yourself seriously. The Key to Success: taking your work seriously.

As I read from “The Prosperous Coach” those questions and answers, I asked myself the questions, “Have I taken my work serious enough?” and then “What would I have to change to take it more seriously?” and then “What is serious work for me?”

Have you heard the phrase, “Give yourself grace”? If you follow my social media, you would have at least read one post discussing this topic. Grace My Friend Grace.

It was a topic of mine for a while because I had to learn to move from an action-oriented motivational self to an inspired action-oriented self, which took a lot of grace. I am putting it mildly.

I recently came across an influencer’s content where he stated that people are struggling with getting back into the game of motivation – post-COVID. I dislike the word motivation because it triggers an autoimmune response within me of “not enough”; therefore, to avoid feeling like I’m not doing “enough,” I avoid the word like the plague. If I jump on the crazy train of “not enough,” I risk falling into an emotional pit of shame. So, where is grace in all this babbling?

When was the last time your reinvented some portion of yourself? If it’s been a while, it’s because it is difficult. It means you must throw out the window a series of beliefs and concepts you have aligned with for years. That initial shock to the emotional and intellectual system can be overwhelming. This is why so few people truly embrace making new life-enhancing decisions. The path seems less wobbly if they only stay put – keep living the day in and day out of existence and allowing the boredom to cover them like the skin on an apple. If this is you, no worries, you can still make a new decision.

Having grace with yourself is an act of compassion with yourself. It’s absent of shame and guilt. The fresh breath of ease allows us to surrender to a circumstance without beating ourselves up. It’s 100% understanding that you/I can suffer from the human condition because we are human! Self-forgiveness isn’t even grace, for that is past deeds being forgiven; grace is right here, right now. The needed relief within the current moment. It’s beautiful. It’s the gateway to a new experience without carrying the heavy baggage of regret and remorse.

This brings me to my original questions and my pondering about them. When is there too much grace? Too much grace isn’t grace; it’s when we have turned grace into an excuse not to take advantage of inspired action. I had to ask myself if I was taking my coaching business seriously because, for a long time, I felt like the stranded hiker that just climbed out of the ravine who realized that the recent traumatic events had changed them. That the magnitude of change was more than expected, yet I had come through – but was I done? For me, I realized it was time to disengage from my reasoning that supported my grace initially; those reasons were:

1. My body needs to rebuild to a place that works for me at this age with this life experience.
2. I am suffering from the impact of PTSD.
3. I don’t know where to begin.
4. I can’t focus with menopause.

My reality was that I had overcome those reasons; now, it was about understanding how to be accountable for inspired action by implementing the effort when the inspiration arrives and not putting it off for another time or another day. To not put other people, places, and things in front of my dreams.

If we continue to live in a phase of too much grace, we won’t proceed to the next level of achievement and gratification for ourselves. It no longer is grace but excuses. And this is the fine line I am expressing today.

For you: Did you come through a challenging situation? Did you heal the most wounded areas; physically, emotionally, and mentally? Is it time to level up to your next adventure and truly let go of the old reasoning that pulled you through?

My first objective is to define what taking my business seriously is for me. What is your first objective?

Enjoy the journey; You are worth it!

Susan Denee

Emotional Elevation Coach

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Do you know what I learned? It would be a good idea to become certified as a personal trainer. Why? BECAUSE OMG, there were a lot of people looking for a personal trainer. The demand outperformed the mindset, emotional, and high-performance coaching 4 to 1. I seriously considered giving up on this other stuff, you know the Emotional Elevation and High-Performance stuff. I’ve only spent over a dozen years and thousands of dollars in education to enhance the skillset, but what the hell, I considered it…. until the next thought came, “why is it so hard for people to commit to health?” Then the next thought “I’m in the right field, it’s the mindset that gets you there, not the actual personal training.” I shook off the fearful consideration I gave to upending my short-lived entrepreneur path and reminded myself why I set those filters the way I did. I set them that way because changing the story that isn’t working for you is where the work lies. If the inside story doesn’t change, long-lasting results won’t ever be a thing – gym, food, relationships, spending, any of it.

Spoiler alert, I’m not a certified personal trainer (yet), but I do know a thing or two about mindset, physical conditioning, and simply put – getting my butt to the gym consistently for the prior seven years. Therefore, I am not offering personal training today, but I will give a little coaching on mindset to get your butt to the gym consistently.

A brief history about me to simply let you know I get it. It’s not like at 40 years of age I suddenly crawled out from beneath a rock I had been hiding all those years. I knew stuff. I grew up taking part in sports; Gymnastics, basketball, bowling (yes, I’m listing it as a sport, seldom do I admit to collegiately bowling, but try practicing 10 games in a row, throwing a 15 lb. ball and tell me if it takes endurance). Or I was the first to jump up and volunteer to participate in gym class – softball, volleyball, dodgeball (the good ol’ days when we pummeled one another with a rubber ball and then ran like hell so no one across the line would hit you back). In my mid-twenties I helped start a work softball team. I took a kickboxing class. I did stuff. I was active. But, not consistent. It was hard being consistent with the workouts because I was raising 4 daughters, working full-time, and dedicating a lot of my spare time to recovery which meant service to a lot of women. I didn’t have time to get to the gym. Or did I?

The truth is something happened at age 40, an acceptance of sorts. A realization. Have you had a moment of clarity that changed your life course? For me, decade birthdays signify a start/stop sort of “check-in” with life opportunity. Forty felt as if I entered an intimidating category of aging. It wasn’t thirty. Thirty represented gratitude for being out of my twenties. Twenty represented “I’m a grown-up. Maybe”. It was forty. It was ten years from fifty, half a hundred. I know, I’m beating a drum right now. The age thing felt a little more realistic as if I should DO SOMETHING. An invisible sense of duty to my body surfaced. I wasn’t suffering from health concerns as much as from the awareness that the body I was maintaining was not going to serve me well for the next 80 years (yes, my goal was to live to be 120). I needed to do more than maintain. I needed to get busy. I had to throw out the window the lackadaisical half-ass mien I had become. That was seven and a half years ago. On December 26, 2014, I committed to my health. My gym membership represents D-day. Decision day. Since then, I have exercised no less than (taking an average) 5 days a week. How did I make the change from temporary and short-lived exercising to weekly and daily exercising? Keep reading.

Tip #1: Make a Quality-of-life statement.

What is important to you when it comes to living life? Have you rightfully named the quality of life you desire? Healthy life. Joyous life. Boisterous and loud life. Spontaneous life. Strong life. Abundant life. What is on your wish list regarding how you want to experience your sense of movement? Look through your story draft. What future experience might be expanded upon by feeling the physical enhancement you truly desire? Your statement can be visceral or tangible. You pick.

Here was mine 7 years ago.

“I want to live to be 120, but I don’t want to be weak and fragile, and full of health problems, I want to be able to walk with ease, I want to travel with ease, I want to look and feel great even at 120, I want to have strength, I want to be strong.”

That was my goal. Here’s what it wasn’t. “I want to lose 10 lbs. I want to fit into my high school pants. I need to (fill in the blank) …OR I must (fill in the blank) OR If I don’t do this “they” will leave me.” These statements might work, but like all things, those conditions are fleeting. The commitment is to health, not temporary weight loss. Not a relationship. Not your high school dress size. Yes, those things usually arrive as you upgrade your health, but they are not the here and all of living a satisfying life.

Tip #2: Make an action statement.

On December 26^th, 2014, I walked into the gym and became a member. That evening I was on my way home from the mall where I had bravely confronted anxious crowds and stood amongst a sea of people witnessing the returning of PJs they didn’t like, the Tool from Sears that wasn’t what dad needed, or the Crockpot from Bed, Bath, and Beyond that wasn’t big enough. Afterward, I celebrated my perseverance with a holiday Starbucks latte, it was quite the achievement. I surprised myself by venturing out with such a task; it was out of my character to brave the post-Christmas crowd. Yet so was the next thing I did. I knew Gold’s gym was quickly encroaching on my drive home. I had told myself I needed to join at least a dozen times since making my decision to be a weightlifting 120-year-old. I was only a week shy of it being 60 days since I turned forty. Now or never, I said as I pulled into the parking lot. Once inside, I called my husband. I said “I’m at the gym. I am signing us up. If you have questions you need to call the gym or come in and ask, or if you don’t want to join tell me now.” I knew a couple of things about my husband, he doesn’t do many things without a full investigation, but he does enjoy saving a buck, and since there was a deal if we both signed up that day, he agreed to the terms. I didn’t care if he joined with me or not, I knew I needed to take definitive action that day. Thoughts and words only inspire for so long. I needed to implement my idea to get to the next phase. I’d yet to lift a weight since visioning my 120-year-old self with biceps to die for.

We don’t think our way into a new way of living, we act our way into a new way of living. I could conjure up some research article outlining the physiological benefits of putting into action an idea; I’m hoping you as the reader have some sort of understanding of neuroplasticity. Simply put, you do stuff until the body automatically remembers to do it also. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. You retrain your brain. By making a tangible action part of your return to a health plan, your brain is relearning a new way for your body to live. This brings me to Tip #3.

Tip #3: Make a doable schedule.

For me, Tips #1 and #2 only happened for me to get to Tip #3 and Tip # 4. In my opinion, tips three and four are the game-changers. You will not be consistent in your health and workout endeavors if these two tips are not solid. Most people fail because of these two things.

The third tip is scheduling your workout time. Over the years of mentoring and coaching nearly two hundred people, three people come to mind who figured this out. Two climb mountains routinely, it’s their lifestyle they love, and the other spent her time in the gym. Mostly everyone else complained about how hard it was to stick to exercise. Just an observation. Remember all those people looking for personal trainers?

If working out has been unsuccessful for you in the past, ask yourself why? Hint: look at when and where you were working out. When I returned to the gym at age 40, I had a full-time job, I was mentoring and coaching fifteen women, had three daughters 14 and younger, two stepsons, and a satisfying marriage that I wanted to keep satisfying. Hmmm… I wonder where I found the time to get to the gym? I had a mentor years prior who taught me how to squeeze time out of the day – she said “I meet with people at 6 am. I figure the only thing I would be doing is sleeping at this time, so I will sleep plenty when I’m dead.” It worked for her, and I found it worked for me. Only my gym time was 5 am. I worked at 8 am. I had an hour commute, and kids to get off to school. After work never seemed to jive with me. I was too tired after wrestling office politics all day, plus I didn’t get home till 6:30 pm. I didn’t want the kids to wait until 7:30 pm for me to spend time with them, so I worked out when they slept. Plus, in the evenings I still needed to cook dinner. Sleep wasn’t an issue because when my head hit the pillow after doing all that life business, I would be out. My husband would often comment he didn’t know how I fell asleep so fast.

That may all seem like a lot of information for me to emphasize “set the right time”, but as you can read, I considered everything. I knew I wouldn’t go after work. I knew I wouldn’t go consistently at lunch during work. I knew I couldn’t be dependent on a “gym buddy” who may or may not show up. I had to take full responsibility for a doable schedule. No one said the beginning is easy.

Tip #4: Make it a convenient location.

Becoming a woman of twenty years sober requires priority life adjustments as well. I juggled AA meetings like a circus clown juggling bowling pins. I’m sure I looked as silly as the clown. I would come into AA meetings late and leave early because I was attending lunch AA meetings by my office. This caused me to sneak longer lunches which felt out of alignment with my integrity. Then, I would ask my husband to watch the girls on a Saturday morning so I could attend the meeting which was being held by my office because I knew those people from my lunch AA meetings during the workweek, this led to feeling guilty about leaving them on my day off, let alone leaving him to handle the load since we both worked full time. Then one day around six years sober and miserable, I realized to stay sober and happy I needed to change the location of my meetings. I needed to attend an AA meeting by my house! The whole time I was trying to go to one by my office – the one with an hour commute. It didn’t work. I never saw those people in my community, scheduling a quick meeting wasn’t convenient.

I used this lesson from my sobriety and applied it to my workout regime. The location must be close by. This is how I learned to schedule my workouts for success. My gym is 5 minutes from my house. It’s not the nicest gym, but it’s convenient. And it’s cheap – $27 a month. I’m not interested in a spa and special smoothies (at least not today), but I am interested in making it as easy as possible to get there. Seven years later, I now recognize faces – especially the early morning crew. I see these people at my grocery store. I’m part of the community. If I need help with a workout, I now KNOW people who can help. It works for me.

I go to the gym for the following reasons:

1. It’s cheap
2. It’s covered and indoors, not weather dependent. Not daylight-dependent.
3. They have a lot of equipment, weights, cardio, etc. that I don’t have to personally pay for.
4. Community
5. Guarantee of consistency.

Some folks like to run, some like to hike, and some like to bike. Most who are successful with these types of exercise make it a lifestyle. I knew for me I wasn’t going to hop on the bike with small kids or find time to research a mountain hike (consistently). I needed something I could easily maintain every day that didn’t require a lot of thought.

Tip #5: Make it a daily habit until you don’t need to.

I chuckle as I reflect on the numerous conversations on this topic because this suggestion has always been met with dead silence. Crickets on the other end of the phone line. Lol. I think I need a strong sales pitch. Half measures avail us nothing. This is a favorite line in recovery. Less, doing half the work isn’t going to get you to where you want to be. Think about this….do you know someone in your life that is physically fit? Now think about it, do they work out only 2-3 times a week? Nope. But for some reason when people start debating the “I’m going back to the gym” they at once start giving themselves permission to ONLY go back a few times a week. Which habit do you think is going to win out? The habit of not working out, or the habit of working out. Because you see what happens is, let’s say they plan on working on Tues Thurs, and Saturdays. Sounds innocent enough. But then what? Well, they aren’t used to committing to those days, so a few weeks in, they realize they can’t do Saturday morning because they got invited to breakfast so they say to themselves, “maybe I’ll go on Sunday”, but Sunday rolls around and they decide “it’s my only real day off.” They are down to two workouts now. So, they give it another try the following week. They might bounce back and get back on schedule. For a while. Eventually, they will stop going. The only people that have a chance of successfully working out only a few days a week and never stopping are those that in the beginning went almost all days of the week to the point of making working out a lifestyle. At that point, it’s in your blood. You’d rather die than not work out. So, you prioritize it, even if it’s a few days a week.

So, the fifth tip is to work out 5-6 days a week until you no longer dread going to the gym. You might even miss going to the gym. Go every day at your set time and your set schedule. You are either all in or you are not.

Tip #6: Make baby steps.

Now, after reading that earlier step, you might be thinking “how do I take baby steps when you are telling me to go 5-6 times a week?” Well, I’m going to explain. The baby steps are for when you get to the gym. Set reasonable expectations for yourself. I know…WHAT? “You mean, I’m not going to run 10 miles on the treadmill, and do 100 lb. chest extensions, and 25 lb. bicep curls on my first day?” Nope. Not even if that is what you recall doing in high school. Trust me.

When I walked into that gym seven years ago, I knew two things. I wanted long-term results. My gym clothes were outdated, and so was my physical body. I needed work and it wasn’t going to happen in one day. (I’m currently working on giving myself this advice with my business!). I set myself up for small wins. I did the elliptical on an easy setting for twenty minutes only. My goal was eventually to get to a high setting for thirty minutes. I observed others in the gym using weights and machines. Since I was a 5 am’er there wasn’t much of an intimidating crowd. Trust me, only the “older” of us get up that damn early to work out – there might be exceptions but only a few. After seeing others, I swallowed my pride and would gingerly sidestep my way over to a machine where yes, I read the directions. How humiliating. Who is watching me? I’m an idiot. – Yes, baby steps with my thoughts, my insecurities, and my achievements. I eventually hired a personal trainer for a half-hour a week for a year to learn the ins and outs of the gym. That cheap gym membership afforded me the personal trainer, which at the time I think ran me about $50 a session. But it changed my life. Money well spent.

Any lifestyle change can feel impossible, especially if we have been chewing on the desired change for a while. I share my best-suggested tips as a way to help guide you to better health. We all know stuff, and yet the obesity rate in the United States in 2021 is hovering around 44.8 % for middle-aged adults 40-59. Diabetes diagnosis in the United States is 28.7 million, and there is a believed undiagnosed number of 8 million. Think of that the next time you wolf down that cupcake! Just sayin.

My simple 6-tip blog is a small contribution of effort to this overwhelming pandemic of sorts.

I think I’m going to go get that certification.

The post At 40, I knew too much about exercise and yet not enough to get to the gym. Here are the top 6 tips on what I did to change. appeared first on Susan Denee.

How do you catch a resentment in the early stages, BEFORE it festers and blows up? The day I spewed the words “You make me sick” to a subordinate I knew my cuppeth had runneth over, and not in a good way.

Without a doubt we both were in shock I said those words. Even as they trickled out of my mouth, I couldn’t believe I was saying them. Oops. Yep, one minute praising myself for understanding the principles of leadership, and the next I digress to the point of no return. I’m here to attest, it’s possible to swing from one end of the tandem to the other within a few seconds. The professional relationship I had with this person was going up in flames. Hell, it had burned to the ground way before I spoke those words. I didn’t like him. He didn’t like me. Although, this wasn’t the first heated discussion, it was the first time I literally blurted something out inappropriate to him.

What is the first sign a person or situation is no longer working for you? Anticipatory Resentment.

Resentment is the fuel; anger is the fire. With the right dose of fuel, anything can burn down. I accepted the power anger had over me when I became sober twenty years ago. It seemed anytime someone or something didn’t align with my expectations, I got mad. I often felt I had no part in the problem. My perception had been lacking open-mindedness because it was fueled with blame. Learning to uproot the resentment and then establish new beliefs was where my inner work lied back then. It still does today when things go off balance.

Essentially, resentment is the choice in “re-feeling” frustration, betrayal, angst, envy, irritation, disgust or exasperation about someone, something, or a situation. Resentment never feels good in the altruistic sense, but it can feel superior because of the false power and strength within the righteousness of it. That is what happened to me that day. I had built up feelings of frustration, angst, disappointment, and disgust. Where does the Anticipatory part come in? Well, read below. Do any of the items resonate with something you have previously thought about someone at work?

• “Here they come, I should make busy”.
• “I should have closed my office door. I don’t really have the time for this right now. They always talk so long”.
• “Every meeting we have, they are negative. Maybe I can tell them they don’t have to attend”.
• “They bring down the rest of the team”.
• “I swear they have it out for me, they don’t even acknowledge my ideas”.
• “They manage with their ego”.
• “They don’t appreciate anything we do for them”.
• “I just never seem to get it right; I think I need more clarification”.

Or maybe you find yourself confiding in your work buddy about the “worker bee”. You and your buddy agree the “worker bee” should be fired, but no one in upper management seems to understand that.

Anticipatory resentment is you expecting to be disappointed in life. Specific to the professional world, you expect to be disappointed in a policy, an individual, a work schedule …. you get the idea.

The joy sucker is when you are caught in a cycle of anticipating resentment, it’s challenging to turn it around. Most people are in this cycle when they abruptly resign from a job. Likely, it appears abruptly, however the thinking of what wasn’t working well for them began way before the actual resignation. Frankly, it will take a while to turn the boat of resentment around, but it is possible. I previously mentioned my recovery from addiction and alcoholism. I stated the “work back then”. There were a few key steps I took to let go of resentment, and remain feeling good about myself and my choices.

Below are a few suggestions that may help you uproot resentment, some of these are not original, but borrowed from the rooms of recovery. They save lives. At minimum, they might save your job or your relationship.

• Write all the resentments out. I caution you to keep this list of resentments somewhere private. I would encourage you NOT to leave it at work or in a place where someone will find it. Trust me, I personally learned from that one. NOT GOOD.
• Get the ick out of you. Confession in the religious sense has been around for centuries. I’m not suggesting you go sit in front a priest (unless it aligns with your beliefs) but I do suggest finding someone outside your circle, not personally affected by your life that can be a sounding board for you to read your resentments to.
• Find your part. This one might seem impossible. Often, we have played a part in an unsatisfying relationship whether we are judgmental towards someone, secretly avoiding them, or cursing them under our breath. Maybe we are jealous. Perhaps, our resentment is full of envy. Whoever you share your writings with would be a good person to ask for their feedback about your list.
• Think positively about them. After you have completed your writings and spoke with someone, practice thinking positive things about the person, situation, or thing that is causing you so much pain. There can’t be negative without positive. This will require due diligence on your part. It will entail you catching yourself complaining, thinking negatively, etc. Everyone should have something positive about them. Even my story above, the guy had some positive traits.
• Don’t ghost your resentments. They are painful for you to feel. You are not weak because you are not perfect.

The key ingredient to recovering from resentments is you must want to. Either you are tired of feeling frustrated or you have a few rounds of misery left in you. For me, I did the work. I let go of the resentment, and eventually let go of the job — but I did it without resentment. It’s possible.

The post “You make me sick” …then there was an aching moment of silence. appeared first on Susan Denee.

Onions have layers, or better said by Donkey in the movie Shrek “Cakes have layers.” The point being, when we experience the not so pleasant dull, mediocre routine of life, likely we are in need of getting to the next layer of the cake — we need a new flavor of life experience.

How deep in layers you want to go, is up to you. Therefore, the question remains — do you need a new experience for a new level of joy? If there were a button on the keyboard labeled “excitement”, would you desperately want to push it? If there were a button on the keyboard labeled “satisfying relationships”, would you want to push it? If there were a button labeled “fun and exciting things to learn”, would that pique your interest? If the answer to any of those questions are “yes” or even “maybe”, then keep reading because this brings me to the first step in creating a New Level of Joy.

Schedule your thinking time.

I am confident I’m preaching to the choir when I mention the fast pace most of us operate within these days. I am not referring to physical movement, rather the fast pace of distraction; digital content quickly flashing before our eyes. Everything feeling rushed.

Taking the time to pause and evaluate your level of contentment in your life is a simple decision, not always an easy action. Yet, it’s necessary if you would like to have a New Level of Joy. Set aside time to ask yourself if you could benefit from a new experience in your life. Could more levity in your day be a good thing?

Time takes time. Start Simple.

Not everything can be rectified at once. If asking yourself the question about benefitting from a new experience begins to overwhelm you because you find yourself flooded with numerous thoughts about the areas of your life that don’t measure up (according to you) — then categorize and name the area of life that stands out the most. Keep it simple. For example, let’s say your intimate relationship could use a brush up. Maybe you have been going at it for a while, and now you are finding you are bored. The thought of relationship boredom is maximizing your focus most days. This is the relationship area. So, your new decision will be in the relationship area. Other areas; health, finances, spirituality, and career.

Don’t bite off more than you can chew.

Remember the cake analogy? Cakes have layers. Don’t eat the whole cake because you won’t be able to decipher one layer of flavor from the next. Allowing yourself to invite a new experience into your day-to-day life can be exciting and fun if we don’t overly extend the invitation. Welcoming a new experience is meant to enliven your routine, not make it another “to do” item on the already built pile of to do’s.

Referring to the relationship example, it can be as small as the two of you taking a walk on Wednesday evenings instead of engaging in another Netflix binge.

An example of biting off more than you can chew might resemble getting into therapy, figuring out the insurance coverage, arranging both of your schedules and then of course finding a therapist. They seem to be in short supply these days — and they will likely tell you to take a walk together on Wednesdays. Just sayin.

Think fun.

The idea behind bringing in a new experience is to enjoy life. It is to break the status quo of the routine. If I asked you if you like to play, what would be your answer? I have found when asking an adult this question a couple routine responses: “Yeah, BUT I don’t have time” or “What am I 10 years old?” or “What do you mean by PLAY?” Isn’t it true that everything we do is to feel better doing it. EVERYTHING. If what you are doing is no longer feeling good — remind yourself what FUN feels like. Remember. If you are walking around feeling RESPONSIBLE mostly, or TIRED often, or STRESSED out, then I bet you have forgotten how to play. You need a new decision.

Be purposeful.

Yes, reading an article on creating a new experience might hold your attention for five minutes, but it won’t create an increase in joy unless you apply it. Schedule your time to purposely create the new decision. A new decision brings a new experience. A new experience results in breakthroughs. You feel excited about changing it up. You begin to remember what it is like to try new things. You overcome areas of vulnerability, gain confidence in others. You FEEL new again. You begin to have new things to talk about. Life feels satisfying. These are only a few of the intrinsic rewards of creating a new experience.

My life experienced an upswing after I identified the feeling of dread I had when working the 9 to 5. Did I change everything overnight after I identified the dread? No. But I did start to make new decisions within my career to become a curious student about what I was doing. The curiosity with a new position held for a few years until ultimately it brought me to trusting the idea that I would be o.k. if I resigned after 20 years of service. I was making new decisions in the career area.

Why do I share this? Because enjoying the journey isn’t as simple as suddenly quitting a well-paying job; it’s about recognizing I have choices within my day-to-day routine to change it up and remain joyful while experiencing change. Change doesn’t have to be dreadful, but it does require purposeful intention. With a little bit of simplicity combined with purposeful intention you too can have a rewarding new experience.

Enjoy the Journey, you are Worth It!

The post 5 Steps to Breaking Up the Monotony of Boredom to Experience New Levels of Joy appeared first on Susan Denee.

As I walked into the back corner bedroom, I paused for a moment, I gazed at the pink and purple shag carpet I grew up with, man that carpet had seen some years. I looked around at the several pieces of old exercise equipment crammed into the small space; the bike from the 80’s, the treadmill which probably hadn’t seen action in years, and the Body-by-Jake which made me chuckle. The acknowledgment of how much stuff was in that room felt intimidating. I pulled my gaze back, looked at the desk and reminded myself why I was there. I took my feeling of overwhelm, applied some emotional strategy, and stuffed it to the side. Next thought, as I looked upon 2 conveniently placed plastic organizers sitting at either side of his desk, “hopefully there is paperwork in those drawers.”

This was not something I was looking forward to, but I was on autopilot. The 25 years in debt collection were paying off again with real life. I knew they had a power of attorney and a will somewhere. I understood what was needed legally to help them. I remembered mom telling me about it. But where is it? And what about the bank accounts — who did they bank with? Dad was a little savvy for being 80, he did online banking. I was grateful. But, how the hell do I access it? Where do you pay the utilities at? Do they have credit cards that need paid? What about the Wi-fi — oh please tell me they have Wi-fi.

Then, I had a thought that took my breath away, “where the hell are the passwords?” Where is the laptop? The surrealness settled down like a blanket recently thrown on a bed. I felt incredibly sad. “SCREW COVID.”

Where is the manual on how to take over someone’s life? I mean, sure, I bet there’s a life coach out there somewhere specializing in end-of-life circumstances with family, but amid overwhelm and grief I wasn’t capable of googling LIFE COACH DAD DYING OF COVID — help!!! I was emotionally numb and focused on taking care of EVERYTHING. It felt big. Still does. No punt intended, but it felt like there were a lot of deadlines. Dad was in the hospital, the prognosis not good. Mom not only was positive for COVID, but she was showing signs of early memory loss, likely dementia, it was obvious she was unable to tend to the business of the house. She was easily confused. That alone was sad, because when I was growing up, she was the one that took care of the finances. Dad hunted, fished, and worked. He was responsible for the household income. Mom paid the bills. It was simple. They had a system. Suddenly, I felt overcome with the wariness of the situation on behalf of my dad. He needed help but could not ask his daughters for it. What I would not have given to know beforehand what they were experiencing in their later years. Now, I was thrown into taking it all in, a massive download of familiarity all happening within a few hours. He had been living with someone who was losing her mind, and her memories. His daughters did not have a clue to what extent. He was not the type of man to call and talk about it. He would not ask for help. He would mention now and then mom getting confused, he downplayed it. It was obvious to me he had been hurting emotionally. How lonely that must have felt.

The humility and vulnerability that coincides with being elderly appears to require more courage and acceptance than any other season of life. That is and was my continued take away from my experience of losing my dad suddenly to COVID and embracing the truth that my mom was experiencing the early signs of dementia.

So now what? Find the passwords and dig in. Passwords are so private. They are unique to us. Do you take the time to follow the expert’s suggestion to change them every 30 days? Do you come up with off the wall characters such as **)#!TTWHDW and then type them in, hoping to get the green check mark next to all the requirements. Do you autosave in Google or attempt to remember them all? Or do you just think of your childhood pet and type in his birthday and name with an exclamation point? As I sat at that desk, staring at the pink and purple shag carpet, I hoped he did the latter. The search began. I began to look for the hidden passcodes which would begin to open the door to their life. It felt like an inner conflict to seek someone’s passwords. A violation of sorts.

The passwords I found defined what mattered to him the most. They provided me insight on how my dad organized his thoughts. In a weird way, I felt like I was getting to know him all over again through his passwords. It was insider information on him. His loves. His values. His passwords reflected what truly is important in this thing we call life. I knew my sister and I were special to him because he used details about us for his passwords. I knew he treasured anniversaries and birthdays, because those numbers were reflected within his passwords. He always did confuse me and Brenda’s birthdays. That memory felt bittersweet. Humor mixed with sadness. Me, Brenda, Mom, and Dad. The four of us. My mind chased down the oddities we valued as a family. Mom and I had blue eyes. Brenda and dad green eyes. Me and dad left-handed. Mom and Brenda right-handed. Mom and Brenda under five feet tall, me and dad both made it past five feet. As I witnessed my scattered thoughts, I honored the surrealness of the situation.

Dad was simple and he was a student at the core. He chose to keep learning new things. I respected that about him. His simplicity was mirrored in the rugged, worn-out notebook that held details regarding the household finances. Details he wrote in pencil. The student was reflected in the methodical way in which he had wrote down instructions; 1. Type the URL 2. Pull up “log in” 3. Type the id, then the password. I do not know why witnessing the simplicity of his experience hurt, but it did. What was it like for someone from his generation to learn online banking? I wanted to hug him again, congratulate him on his efforts. Thoughts would rummage through my mind like “that was the last instruction he will likely ever write” or “he loved me and Brenda, he used our names in a few places.” I teared up when I found the page in the notebook outlining everyone’s birthdays and addresses. His handwritten attempts to remember to acknowledge everyone’s special day. I chuckled at the ease with which Facebook does that for us now, and we do not even have to try to remember. I respected the old way of writing it down and efforting at it because people meant something to you vs. the non-cholent way of clicking “happy birthday” only because you got a reminder on your phone.

My sister and I are not unique in our experience of losing an elderly parent and being catapulted into someone else’s world. Most people will experience this in their lifetime. The pandemic left droves of us in this situation. For me, my mom and dad felt like strangers as I regrettably searched for how they lived their lives. I realized they were undividedly separate from me, and they gave me life. They lived their life similarly, but their enjoyments were opposite of mine. They liked to gamble, not my cup of tea. They liked watching golf. I do not. They consumed themselves with the media and controversary. I purposely refuse to watch the news. Yet, at the end of the day, when our family was facing death and we were losing one of our team, none of our differences mattered. I was grateful we did not have emotional division amongst our family. The years although separated us physically, we had a core principle of loyalty to one another. In each our own way we supported one another through the tough times we individually had gone through. We did not alienate one another. Our home had been wrecked by alcoholism for years, especially the formative years of my sister and I, and the four of us still stood strong in the recovered part of alcoholism. There were no leftover resentments crucifying our family. I recognized mom and dad did a respectable job of setting that example for Brenda and me. Before I personally recovered from my alcoholism, I used to think they were in denial, they didn’t talk about the problem enough, then I learned they had recovered and simply had chosen to move on, to keep on keepin on. As I surrendered to that bittersweetness of meshing the heartfelt memories with the current tragedy, I felt it my greatest accomplishment to show up and help them.

The true password in our family was and always will be strength. As mom, Brenda and I did our utmost to help dad at his most vulnerable time in his life, I knew his example of strength was coursing through each one of us. That strength would continue to be the foundation to see us through the devastation of COVID, it would see us through witnessing mom having to surrender her home, her memory, her driving, and her husband of 57 years within a short time, and it would see us through undeniable hurdles for my sister and I as we faced unloading a house of 40 years, being medical and financial advocates for our parents, all while enduring our individual grief and heartache of it all.

COVID brought its own strength, its own relentless energy which devastated millions, however the human spirit that continues to survive, adapt, and overcome life’s hurdles will forever be stronger than any damn virus.

Mom and dad thank you for transmitting your strength to your daughters. You truly taught us what real strength is; it’s the showing up regardless of how you feel to help someone, no matter what the cost is personally. It is a display of selflessness for your fellows.

Love, Susan

The post Where are the passwords? appeared first on Susan Denee.

I knew as I laid reclined in my chair at the end of March of this year, my body was feeling badly beaten up as a result of stress of no physical energy, worry of “what if this doesn’t end”, fear of “why can’t we diagnose the problems with my body” and grief of losing my father of COVID, and a lack of hormones (nature’s way of making us ladies no longer fertile) as menopause was having it’s way with me. I laid there in that chair not wanting to move and debating whether I should take time off of work for at least 30 days to rebuild myself. A question I never had to ever ponder in my entire adult life. The thought that came to my mind that day was “have grace for yourself and your body”.

Taking grace for oneself takes courage. It involves standing in your shoes and holding your head high for you regardless of what others will think. We often suffer from a false perception that if we don’t behave a certain way that somehow the people in our lives will be impacted negatively and then what? In the recovery world we call this suffering from the god complex. As if I’m so powerful to impact others lives to the point of detriment. We all sign up for the roles we play. Yet, to place a hold on my life to heal was a hard decision to make. Why? Because it felt like I was wimping out, or I should be stronger than this. My body however was physically disagreeing with my mind. My body was screaming at me to slow down and heal. I wrestled with my decision to take time off for that entire weekend. Then on Monday I told my employer I was going to take time off work.

A hint however is this, if you are spending time being miserable with the same situation over and over it might be time to pause and make a new decision, give yourself some space and grace. If your body is breaking down and you have refused to take time off to heal you might be putting yourself, your grace on hold thinking it will get better. Which it might, but at what cost? How painful does it need to be?

A few questions for you today, is there an area in your life where you could use a regeneration? Maybe its in your health – which is my story – the health scares impacted my thinking, feelings, and emotions. Or perhaps it is in relationships? Are you jumping from one relationship to another? Grace and space might be the tool in allowing you to heal from the first relationship that caused that tailspin in the first place. Maybe allowing grace for your self will help you take the dagger out of your back that you continue to push in because your inner talk is you feel overwhelmed, not doing enough, etc.

Once the grace is allowed and experienced, the next awareness will be when should I expect more from myself? Does grace have a timeline? Is it 30 days? Is it only the vacation time I took? Is it when my medical leave runs out? Or my medical benefits? Well, your grace timeline is where the growth is for you.

For me, it was when should I be working again? Upon returning to work they decided to cut my salary by 35k and take away my title. WOW! To which I gave myself a whole bunch of grace and politely declined their offer – after 20 years of working for them. So, when I was sharing with my therapist that I was feeling like a loser, not contributing to my household finances, worried about my partners feelings…..she simply stated my timeline for grace seems to be limited.

At which point, I awakened. THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT ON GRACE, it is there for the giving, all I need to do is allow the receiving of grace for myself and others! When I consistently do this, life is good, I am good.

Enjoy the journey, you are worth it!

The post Does grace have a timeline? appeared first on Susan Denee.

For any relationship, the “where are you, what are you doing, how long will you be gone?” can be overwhelming and stressful for a self-professed “independent” person. For those of us who carry a sort of “I like to do my own thing, I like to have my alone time, I feel like I could live my entire life by myself, thank you very much” – questions about what we are doing and when we are doing it, can feel intrusive as if they are intended to create a trap to which we cannot spring, or from which we need to be assholes to spring from. Neither of which represent a loving partnership from the independent side.

What do we do? Well, I could write book on this topic all by itself but for now I’m going to stick to 5 steps to help with the love and balance BEFORE you walk in the door to the happy home you intended for when initially singing up for the relationship. Ultimately, before you drop your crazy on the relationship. These steps can help whenever transitioning from one mode to another. For example, long day away from home for work, or after returning home after a trip, or returning to the relationship after a difficult argument. Give yourself space to realign with your highest self.

• Remember why you are in the relationship. Recall the attributes of the partner you have chosen to be with. Then ask yourself, why am I so resistant to these questions? Is it maybe that they truly care for me? If they weren’t asking me, would I be worried they didn’t care anymore?
• Appreciate the relationship and all that it brings to you. Appreciate the partnership, the attention, the love, the sex, the cooperation with the duties of the home. Appreciate the frustration because it helps you identify more within you requiring your attention. This isn’t about changing them, it’s about changing you. Where do you need to adjust to either move on, or stay, love and learn to be open to a new way of looking at the relationship.
• Gratitude before you engage in what you think is happening in the relationship. Be grateful for them being with you, grateful for the laughs you have shared, the outings you have done together, the times when they said the right thing at the right time leaving you feeling loved, safe, and appreciated. Grateful for small moments, the cup of coffee they got for you in the morning, the jacket they handed you when you were cold, the appliance they fixed when you didn’t ask.
• Bless the home, or vision only love and peace for your home with your partner. Before you enter the home, touch the doorway, bless it – “I bless this home and all that is within it. I bless my partner, my pets, my home.”
• 3 deep breaths after the above steps have been done. Take three deep breaths – in through the nose, out through the mouth. Ending with a thank you to you and your highest self for aligning before you enter your home.

Enjoy the journey, you are worth it!

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So, how does a strategic pause lead you closer to your desired outcomes? Well, I like to think of the pause as providing myself enough time and mental space to think about things. If it is a simple thing like what’s for dinner, I don’t need a long pause. I might pick boring dinners, or repetitive dinners if I quickly make a decision, but overall my dinner planning is a very small percentage of my overall joy. However, when it came to leaving a career, I had for 20 years, that took several strategic pauses. I allowed enough time to flow to emotional reactions in the moments I felt unheard, unappreciated, or downright disrespected. I paused because making a rash decision when it came to my financial livelihood would not have been beneficial for me or my family. I also allowed myself space to enjoy and be grateful for the job. To have days where I deeply appreciated the personalities for the growth opportunities they provided on any given day. I appreciated the consistency of the routine, the medical benefits, and most of all the paycheck. After several strategic pauses over a span of about 4 years, I knew it was time to leave after they gave me an offer I had to resist. If I had not provided adequate reflection time, I might have jumped sooner and ended up climbing a lot longer to get to my desired income.
There is no right or wrong way to have an emotion, they are what they are. Uncovering the root of our unfulfilling emotions can be a strenuous process, but worth it because once you have felt the downside, you become more grateful for when you feel the upside emotions such as enthusiasm, confidence, joy, and peace.

For today, is there an area of your day or life that you could use the blessing of a strategic pause?

Enjoy the journey, you are worth it!

The post Emotions are good. They give us information. appeared first on Susan Denee.