Whether John Travolta in the movie Grease wore it better than Harry Winkler in Happy days is neither here nor there, the fact remains that the leather jacket leaves an impression. Is it just me, or does everyone consider buying a leather jacket at some point in their life? Maybe the subtle voice within tells us, “Be a badass,” It will look reallllllly cool!” Of course, as we age, most of us surrender to the idea that the leather jacket is best left to memories of years lived prior, for by the time most of us reach our midlife, a leather jacket of this sort would only invite giggles from teenagers, or concern from our adult friends. Yet, we all can agree that a great leather jacket is badass. So, where is the connection between a leather jacket and our emotions? Keep reading….

“Cassie called again; she is upset with how I handled my mom’s affairs,” Mary said. Those words might as well have trickled out of her mouth like water drops slowly dripping from a nearly closed-off faucet; she had shared similar words many times with me. As I heard the words, I visioned Charlie Brown’s teacher, “whah whah whah”. I felt guilty for thinking that way; the truth back then was that Mary’s dilemma challenged me. I questioned my ability as a coach to help her discover a new way of looking at her relationship with her adult daughter. Mary’s daughter Cassie continually criticized Mary about her lifestyle. Mary was celebrating a few years of sobriety; she held a steady job, probably spent too much money on her adult children, and was married to her alcoholic husband, who still drank, AND she was still sober and committed to her sobriety. Sometimes, concealing my frustrations about Cassie’s behavior was slippery for even me, and she wasn’t even my kid.

“Mary, I want to talk to you about the Emotional Jacket,” I said. As usual, Mary was eager to learn something new. She was studious in that way. I explained to Mary that Cassie (her daughter) represented an emotional hook of sorts. “Imagine a cool-looking leather jacket hanging in your closet. You know it’s not yours to wear, it doesn’t even fit you – it’s too heavy, but it looks very appealing and tempestuous. Although you understand it’s not your jacket, you still put it on. At first, it feels good. Looks good. You revel in your idea to try it on. But, the longer you have it on, you realize you are becoming uncomfortable in it. You feel the weight of it. It’s too heavy for you. It’s even bigger than you originally thought. It’s also hot. You suddenly regret putting it on. What were you thinking, you ask yourself. Next, you become pissed off at the person WHO owns the jacket – blaming them for your misery! It’s as if they violated you by putting their jacket in the closet. You then realize you have no idea how to take off the jacket that wasn’t yours to put on in the first place. Mary, you wear Cassie’s emotional jacket whenever she expresses disappointment with you or herself.  You emotionally wear her disappointment as if it defines who you are. Her emotions are not yours to wear; they are not your jacket.”  There was a long pause as Mary digested what I shared with her. She replied, “I get it; Cassie has her own opinions based on her life experience, and her emotions are a result of her life; she cannot possibly possess my perspective of the years I’ve lived, especially around my mother; how could she? Her fear, frustrations, and sadness are hers to own, and those emotions represent the jacket she wears. When I decide to wear her emotional jacket, I feel uncomfortable because those emotions are not my experience, nor should they be. My job is going to be to learn how NOT to wear her emotional jacket, or my husband’s for that matter.” I knew Mary understood another layer of how co-dependency and emotionally positioning herself within her relationships was working within her life.

When working with clients who seem prone to wear their family and friends’ opinions and judgments, I use the Emotional Jacket analogy. This allows a reframing of how they perceive their relationships and, more importantly, how they operate within them. Many people position their mental and emotional health in response to how they perceive the relationships in their life feeling at any given time. I base how I’m doing AFTER checking in with YOUR mood and disposition. I do not have my agency established UNTIL I see how you are feeling. Ever heard the saying, “I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around you?” This is a good example of someone treading lightly because when they are around someone who appears agitated, frustrated, or intimidating, they recoil and “stand down” per se. The goal becomes to identify when the Emotional Jacket looks appealing and learning not to put it on.

Susan Denee is the creator of the podcast, Know Your Crazy, syndicated through Transformation Talk Radio. She is a writer and a life coach. She is certified in High-Performance Coaching and is the creator of Emotional Elevation Coaching. She helps others identify the shame-based thinking and less desired behaviors that hold them back from accomplishing their next level of satisfaction. Her podcasts are known for their inspiration combined with genuine RAWNESS, in which she conveys the problem and the solution. Susan Denee is a sought-after industry speaker for the financial and healthcare industry and the addiction and alcoholism recovery community, focusing on healthy communication within relationships.

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I knew as I laid reclined in my chair at the end of March of this year, my body was feeling badly beaten up as a result of stress of no physical energy, worry of “what if this doesn’t end”, fear of “why can’t we diagnose the problems with my body” and grief of losing my father of COVID, and a lack of hormones (nature’s way of making us ladies no longer fertile) as menopause was having it’s way with me. I laid there in that chair not wanting to move and debating whether I should take time off of work for at least 30 days to rebuild myself. A question I never had to ever ponder in my entire adult life. The thought that came to my mind that day was “have grace for yourself and your body”.

Taking grace for oneself takes courage. It involves standing in your shoes and holding your head high for you regardless of what others will think. We often suffer from a false perception that if we don’t behave a certain way that somehow the people in our lives will be impacted negatively and then what? In the recovery world we call this suffering from the god complex. As if I’m so powerful to impact others lives to the point of detriment. We all sign up for the roles we play. Yet, to place a hold on my life to heal was a hard decision to make. Why? Because it felt like I was wimping out, or I should be stronger than this. My body however was physically disagreeing with my mind. My body was screaming at me to slow down and heal. I wrestled with my decision to take time off for that entire weekend. Then on Monday I told my employer I was going to take time off work.

A hint however is this, if you are spending time being miserable with the same situation over and over it might be time to pause and make a new decision, give yourself some space and grace. If your body is breaking down and you have refused to take time off to heal you might be putting yourself, your grace on hold thinking it will get better. Which it might, but at what cost? How painful does it need to be?

A few questions for you today, is there an area in your life where you could use a regeneration? Maybe its in your health – which is my story – the health scares impacted my thinking, feelings, and emotions. Or perhaps it is in relationships? Are you jumping from one relationship to another? Grace and space might be the tool in allowing you to heal from the first relationship that caused that tailspin in the first place. Maybe allowing grace for your self will help you take the dagger out of your back that you continue to push in because your inner talk is you feel overwhelmed, not doing enough, etc.

Once the grace is allowed and experienced, the next awareness will be when should I expect more from myself? Does grace have a timeline? Is it 30 days? Is it only the vacation time I took? Is it when my medical leave runs out? Or my medical benefits? Well, your grace timeline is where the growth is for you.

For me, it was when should I be working again? Upon returning to work they decided to cut my salary by 35k and take away my title. WOW! To which I gave myself a whole bunch of grace and politely declined their offer – after 20 years of working for them. So, when I was sharing with my therapist that I was feeling like a loser, not contributing to my household finances, worried about my partners feelings…..she simply stated my timeline for grace seems to be limited.

At which point, I awakened. THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT ON GRACE, it is there for the giving, all I need to do is allow the receiving of grace for myself and others! When I consistently do this, life is good, I am good.

Enjoy the journey, you are worth it!

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For any relationship, the “where are you, what are you doing, how long will you be gone?” can be overwhelming and stressful for a self-professed “independent” person. For those of us who carry a sort of “I like to do my own thing, I like to have my alone time, I feel like I could live my entire life by myself, thank you very much” – questions about what we are doing and when we are doing it, can feel intrusive as if they are intended to create a trap to which we cannot spring, or from which we need to be assholes to spring from. Neither of which represent a loving partnership from the independent side.

What do we do? Well, I could write book on this topic all by itself but for now I’m going to stick to 5 steps to help with the love and balance BEFORE you walk in the door to the happy home you intended for when initially singing up for the relationship. Ultimately, before you drop your crazy on the relationship. These steps can help whenever transitioning from one mode to another. For example, long day away from home for work, or after returning home after a trip, or returning to the relationship after a difficult argument. Give yourself space to realign with your highest self.

• Remember why you are in the relationship. Recall the attributes of the partner you have chosen to be with. Then ask yourself, why am I so resistant to these questions? Is it maybe that they truly care for me? If they weren’t asking me, would I be worried they didn’t care anymore?
• Appreciate the relationship and all that it brings to you. Appreciate the partnership, the attention, the love, the sex, the cooperation with the duties of the home. Appreciate the frustration because it helps you identify more within you requiring your attention. This isn’t about changing them, it’s about changing you. Where do you need to adjust to either move on, or stay, love and learn to be open to a new way of looking at the relationship.
• Gratitude before you engage in what you think is happening in the relationship. Be grateful for them being with you, grateful for the laughs you have shared, the outings you have done together, the times when they said the right thing at the right time leaving you feeling loved, safe, and appreciated. Grateful for small moments, the cup of coffee they got for you in the morning, the jacket they handed you when you were cold, the appliance they fixed when you didn’t ask.
• Bless the home, or vision only love and peace for your home with your partner. Before you enter the home, touch the doorway, bless it – “I bless this home and all that is within it. I bless my partner, my pets, my home.”
• 3 deep breaths after the above steps have been done. Take three deep breaths – in through the nose, out through the mouth. Ending with a thank you to you and your highest self for aligning before you enter your home.

Enjoy the journey, you are worth it!

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This group meeting I was discussing our needs within relationships.  These women had been working with me as their life coach in sobriety for several years.  The purpose of meeting as a group was to help keep them on track in their growth.

The recent phone calls from several of them had been focused on personal relationships.  Primarily, intimate relationships.  These women have survived a rough road, one their addictions and actions took them to. Essentially, they have been reborn into normal lives.  Lives they have had to work hard for.  However, when a relationship begins for the first time in sobriety, they are confronted with new dilemmas because the majority of their prior relationships were usually damaged and dysfunctional.

Most people fall into their first relationship at a young age. Because of this they’re not asking themselves “what are my needs” prior to getting involved.  Even if they did, based on their age they probably wouldn’t know what their needs were – other than “he’s hot, or she’s hot”, or “he doesn’t beat me”.  Some women in sobriety eventually partake in a relationship – sometimes they sleep with the other person too soon, other times they make the relationship their god – devoting everything to it – almost in a worship kind of way, more often than not they aim to please and the fear of rejection or “rocking the boat” keeps them from expressing how they really feel, or what they really need.  I knew Stacy was a prime candidate for this behavior.

I first met Stacy in her early sobriety.  She approached me after an AA meeting asking me if I would temporarily help her.  I asked if she was looking for a temporary help because she wants to stay temporarily peaceful?  With the point being made, I said I would be honored to help her, but it’s not temporarily.  She agreed.  I looked forward to helping her because she was full of anger, and very loud about it.  She swore and complained about her relationships.  I hadn’t been around a person that angry in a long time.  I like it when this happens.  It gives me a lot to work with when helping someone.  A persons anger doesn’t scare me, probably because I was that person years ago. I understand anger and hate, and because of this I get excited when someone comes to me so blocked with anger they can’t see their side.  For I know after we are done with the work this person is up for a huge peaceful awakening.

As soon as possible I had her writing down all her resentments – ex-husband, kids, past friends, and family.  She did an o.k. job.  She visited shortly thereafter, and read them all to me, we discussed them, she was on to more work.  She scratched the surface.  I knew it was only a scratch, but sometimes even a little scratch can provide a great sigh of relief to allow someone to continue.

Stacy was good at responsibility.  She worked hard, paid the bills, went out of her way for her kids. She was the boss at work.  She managed well.  However, when it came to intimate relationships she was blocked.  After several months of working together she disclosed she lived with someone.  It wasn’t a full disclosure, I had picked up on something during a phone conversation and started to ask questions, then she divulged.  She had been living with someone, his 3 kids, and her two kids for years.  I believe close to 10.  Yet, she never brought it up.  I found this intriguing to say the least.  She held back a significant piece of her life.  What eventually came out was she suspected they might not make it.  Over the next few months, she worked on getting the courage to end it, but it was messy. She couldn’t cut the strings completely. She was driven by her impulse of feelings for him, and continued to engage with him for several months.  Then the call came one evening where she said she wanted to drink.  I prayed as she told me her story one more time.  There is no right or wrong way to deal with such scenarios.  I believe god puts me in a place to help someone, and unfortunately the news I deliver isn’t always soft and mushy.  It’s more like thundering steel, intended to wake someone up, when they need it.  My approach can be very direct, I choose this approach because I believe the voices in the other person’s head have been chatting for a while, sometimes several years.  Their voices are screaming.  That evening, while she was talking on the phone, I prayed, I knew my next words were going to be brutal.  I pretty much yelled into the phone “Either you tell him to get his fucking trailer out of your drive way and you stop driving by the bar he does his gigs at, or you can find someone else to work with! You are going to drink! I hung up on her.  All of this was deliberate on my part.  I prayed right after I hung up the phone.  Now, most people reading this might be thinking what a bitch.  Yes, I’m o.k. with that.  I’m also o.k. with giving someone a shock to wake them the up when they are blocked by their own misery.   If they call back, they are willing to change something.  She called me the next day.

I followed up with her by inviting her to my home.  When she arrived, I handed her a pen and paper and told her to write down all her anger against him.  I told her it’s time to get into action.  She was at my house for two hours.  We went through each scenario, finding her part in the anger, then I had her go through each item so we could discuss what the opposite was.  This work was intended to discover her needs within a relationship.

For example:

Resentment:  you slept with that bitch               Need:  Monogamous relationship, faithful

Resentment: You never worked enough           Need:  Steady, secure income

Resentment: You never helped with the kids    Need:  A partner who pulls 50% of the work

Resentment: You drink too much                      Need:  A sober partner

You get the idea?  She did great work, she got away from him – she broke the obsession.

During our womens group meeting that day, she stayed very distraught.  She managed to laugh a few times, relate to a few things, but I could tell she was hurting.  After the meeting wrapped up she hung around, we talked.  She slipped up again, this time with a different person, but similar scenario – she wanted the relationship, he was unavailable, she was devastated. She was acting out of desperation.  She was a mess – regretful, sad, and depressed.

You see, we can know our needs.  We can make sense of what we think makes us happy in a relationship, but if we lack self-worth, all the knowledge in the world won’t matter.  We will always feel less than, therefore not allowing ourselves to demand what we deserve in our life.  This can be true in business, with our kids, and in our intimate relationships.

A few symptoms of a person not believing in their worth might be:

• Overdoing all the responsibilities in the relationship and then becoming resentful at the other person for not doing more
• Refusing to admit when things bother them because they think they know what the other persons reaction will be
• Not having “deal breakers”; rules or standards for oneself which are not negotiable, either the other party understands this is the deal or there is no relationship.  (To make my point – an extreme example…abuse would be a deal breaker).
• Tolerating addictive behaviors, lying or cheating; ignoring the pain to avoid losing the relationship.

Ultimately, you are responsible for your peace and happiness.  Sometimes, we forget what a team looks like in a loving relationship.  A healthy, loving relationship is 50/50.  It’s o.k. to be 70/30 sometimes, as long as there is a willingness to get it balanced again.  Two willing partners can have an amazing life together.

So, I left her with this thought:  What does it take to be with Stacy?

And I leave you with the same question:  What does it take to be with you?

For me:  to be with me you need to be sober and on a spiritual path of growth – working with others in whatever capacity that is, you need to be healthy – I don’t desire a slob or a pig.  Sexy is much more enjoyable for both parties.  You need to be motivated and energetic, I won’t take care of all the responsibilities of a home by myself.  You must have compassion for kids – because I have 3 daughters and I love them more than anything.  You must have great credit, and a steady, solid income.  You cannot be racist.  You must be willing to communicate.  You must be faithful, I have no desire for cheating, threesomes, or swinging.  My jealous mind will be triggered.  You must be a man, I don’t mind listening to emotional days, but if it’s daily I won’t have respect for you – you see I’m a driven, confident, balanced, motivated woman.  You cannot fall behind me.

AND I’M O.K. WITH ALL OF THAT.

And so is my beloved husband.

Have a great day, enjoy the journey – You only have one!

Susan Denee

The post Discovering your Needs and Self Worth in Relationships appeared first on Susan Denee.

This group meeting, I was discussing our needs within relationships.  This group of women have been working with me as their sobriety and life coach for several years.  The purpose of meeting as a group was to help keep them on track, my personal hours were no longer sufficient to coach one on one weekly.  Plus, they individually had enough foundation established with 12-step work, that one on one weekly shouldn’t be necessary unless something significant is happening in their life.

The recent phone calls from several of them have been focused on personal relationships.  Primarily, intimate relationships, but every now and then professional.  These women have had a rough road, one their addictions and actions took them to, they have essentially been reborn into normal lives.  Lives they have had to work hard to receive.  However, when a relationship begins for the first time in sobriety, they are confronted with new issues they have never experienced before because most of their prior relationships were usually damaged and dysfunctional.

Most people fall into their first relationship at a younger age. Because of this they’re not asking themselves “what are my needs” going in?  Even if they did, based on their age they probably wouldn’t know what their needs were – other than “he’s hot, or she’s hot”, or “he doesn’t beat me”.  Some women in sobriety eventually partake in a relationship – sometimes they sleep with the other person too soon, other times they make the relationship their god – devoting everything to it – almost in a worship kind of way, more often than not they aim to please and the fear of rejection or “rocking the boat” keeps them from expressing how they really feel, or what they really need.   I knew Stacy was a prime candidate for this behavior.

When I first met Stacy she was 18 months sober.  She approached me after an AA meeting asking me if I would temporarily sponsor her.  I asked if she is looking for a temporary sponsor because she wants to stay temporarily sober?  With the point being clearly made, I made it clear I will be honored to sponsor her, but it’s not temporary.  She agreed.  I looked forward to helping her because she was full of anger, and very loud about it, she swore and complained a lot about her ex-husband.  I hadn’t been around an alcoholic that angry and resentful in a long time.  I like it when this happens.  It gives me a lot to work with when helping someone.  A persons anger doesn’t scare me, could be because I was that person years ago. I understand anger and hate, and because of this I get excited when someone comes to me so blocked with anger they can’t even see their side.  I know after we are done with the work this person is up for a huge peaceful awakening.

As soon as possible I had her writing down all her resentments – ex-husband, kids, past friends, and family.  She did an o.k. job.  She visited shortly thereafter, and read them all to me, we discussed and she was on to more work.  She scratched the surface.  I knew it was only a scratch, but sometimes even a little scratch can provide a great sigh of relief to allow someone to continue.

Stacy is good at responsibility.  She works hard, pays the bills, goes out of her way for her girls. She is the boss at work.  She manages well.  However, when it comes to the intimate relationships she is blind.  After several months of working together she disclosed she lived with someone! It wasn’t a full disclosure, I had picked up on something during a phone conversation and started to ask questions, then she divulged.  Yes, she had been living with someone and his 3 kids, with her two kids for years!  I believe close to 10.  Yet, she never brought it up.  I found this intriguing to say the least.  I remember being a little dumbfounded about it.  She held back a significant piece of her life.  What eventually came out was she suspected he was sleeping around on her.  She was very hush about the whole ordeal.  Over the next few months, she worked on getting the courage to end it, but it was messy. She couldn’t cut the strings completely.  There was sleeping together back and forth, him coming over doing her floors, her allowing his stuff to be stored on her property, all the while he is fully engaged sexually with another woman, in fact, living with her.  Stacy didn’t care, she was driven by her impulse of feelings for him, and continued to engage in this for several months.  Then the call came one evening where she said she wanted to drink.  I prayed for patience as she told me her story one more time.  There is no right or wrong way to deal with such scenarios.  I believe god puts me in a place to help someone, and unfortunately the news I deliver isn’t always soft and mushy.  It’s more like thundering steel, intended to wake someone up, when they need it.  My approach can be very direct, and I choose this approach because I believe the voices in the other person’s head have been chatting for as long as a year or more, sometimes several years.  Their voices are screaming.   That evening, while she was talking on the phone, I prayed, I knew my next words were going to be brutal.  I pretty much yelled into the phone “Either you tell him to get his fucking trailer out of your drive way, stop driving by the bar he does his gigs at, or you can find a new sponsor! Because you are going to drink!  And I hung up on her.  All of this was deliberate on my part.  I prayed right after I hung up the phone.  Now, most people reading this might be thinking what a bitch.  Yes, I’m o.k. with that.  I’m also o.k. with giving someone a shock to wake them the up when they are blinded by their own misery.   I knew if she called back, she changed something.  She called me the next day.

I followed up with her by inviting her to my house.  When she arrived, I walked her downstairs to our recreation room, handed her a pen and paper and told her to write down all her resentments against him.  She was shocked.  I told her we’re done talking about things, it’s time to get into action.  She was at my house that evening for two hours.  We went through each resentment, finding her part in the resentment, then I had her go through each resentment so we could discuss what the opposite was.  This work was intended to get to her needs in a relationship.  For example:

Resentment:  you slept with that bitch                    Need:  Monogamous relationship, faithful

Resentment: You never worked enough                Need:  Steady, secure income

Resentment:  You never helped with the kids      Need:  A partner who pulls 50% of the work

Resentment: You drink too much                              Need:  A sober partner

You get the idea?  She did some great work, she got away from him – she broke the obsession, with only one slip up.

To bring us back to current, during our womens group meeting she was very distraught.  She managed to laugh a few times, relate to a few things, but I could tell she was hurting.  After the meeting wrapped up she hung around, we talked.  She slipped up again, this time with a different person, but similar scenario – she wanted the relationship, he was unavailable, she was devastated, slept with him anyway. She again acted out of desperation.  She was a mess – regretful, sad, depressed, etc.

You see, we can know our needs.  We can make sense of what we think makes us happy in a relationship, but if we lack self-worth, all the knowledge in the world won’t matter.  We will always feel less than, therefore not allowing ourselves to demand what we deserve in our life.  This can be true in business, with our kids, and in our intimate relationships.

Personally, two of my biggest shifts in perception were in this area.  The first awakening was a result of working on my first marriage.  I had decided to give it another year.  But this year I was going to work on me.  I mean really work on me.  I dove into self-inventories, helping others, beefed up my sobriety work, went into counseling.  I wrote and I wrote.  I leaned heavily on my sponsor.  I dove in, knowing at the end of the year (if that’s what it took) I would either have a renewed satisfying marriage, which is really what I wanted, or I would be making a decision to walk away.  We would be together 10 years, 3 daughters together, and one step-daughter from his first marriage.  When the end of the year arrived,  I understood what the next chapter of my life was going to be, and it wasn’t going to be to stay together.  I cried and cried.  I grieved before I ever told him.  You see I had to believe I was worthy of asking for a divorce. I was worthy to walk away, even though my children would be paying a price for this decision in the long run, I was still worth my happiness – I deserved to ask for what I needed, I was worth other people being disappointed in me – our families, our friends.  I was worth it.  I was good enough as I was.  This belief in self-worth was significant because it gave me a voice to communicate.  One I never had, or I had refused to use for fear of rejection, complication, etc.  It was a turning point for me regarding intimate relationships, I was no longer willing to settle.  A few symptoms of an unworthy relationship might be:

Overdoing all the responsibilities in the relationship and then becoming resentful at the other person for no doing more.

Refusing to admit when things bother you because you think you know the other persons reaction

Not having “deal breakers”; rules or standards for oneself which are not negotiable, either the other party understands this is the deal or there is no relationship.  (To make my point – abuse would be a deal breaker).

Tolerating addictive behaviors, lying or cheating; ignoring the pain to avoid losing the relationship.

Ultimately, you allow yourself to be unsatisfied, and used.  You are responsible for this.  You are responsible for your peace and happiness.  Sometimes, we forget what a team looks like in a loving relationship.  A healthy, loving relationship is 50/50.  It’s o.k. to be 70/30 sometimes, as long as there is a willingness to get it balanced again.  Two willing partners can have an amazing life together.

So, I left her with this thought:  What does it take to be with Stacy?

And I leave you with the same question:  What does it take to be with you?

For me:  to be with me you need to be sober and on a spiritual path of growth – working with others in whatever capacity that is, you need to be healthy – I don’t desire a slob or a pig.  I demand sexy to be with me.  You need to be motivated and energetic, I won’t take care of all the responsibilities of a home by myself.  You must have compassion for kids – because I have 3 daughters and I love them more than anything.  You must have great credit, and a steady, solid income.  You cannot be racist.  You must be willing to communicate.  You must be faithful, I have no desire for cheating, threesomes, or swinging.  My jealous mind will be triggered.  You must be a man, I don’t mind listening to emotional days, but if it’s daily I won’t have respect for you – you see I’m a driven, confident, balanced, motivated woman.  You cannot fall behind me.

AND I’M O.K. WITH ALL OF THAT.

And so is my beloved husband.

Have a great day, enjoy the journey – You only have one!

Susan Denee

The post What Does it Take to be With You? appeared first on Susan Denee.

The above are actual quotes from women who I coach, regarding the men in their lives.  The women are all mid-forties, in recovery from alcoholism and addiction.  All are newly single, and dating.  They are dating while going through a new phase of their being – a sober, spiritual being.  Between them, they have years of wreckage of past relationships, and marriages.  So, I ask them – Did you make your needs list yet? And they reply – “My what? – oh that, no not yet”.  My point exactly.

What is a needs list?  Well, let me back up.  Many of us bring our wreckage from a past relationship into the new relationship, and I don’t believe we do it intentionally.  It’s more less an unconscious effort.  It’s all we know to do.  I know for me I met my first husband when I was 21, we courted over coronas at the nearby hotel lobby happy hour.  We jumped into bed, then into living together, and then into marriage and kids.  I never stopped and asked myself – what are my needs in a relationship? I would have never thought like this at that age.  Most people probably don’t.  However, after a divorce of 11 years and 3 kids later, I had to get honest with myself about what I wanted in the next relationship, what worked for me.  This wasn’t intended to be a self-consuming question, as much as a good way to avoid taking a hostage into a relationship because I unknowingly settled again for things which didn’t contribute to my happiness.

How does one get to the bottom of what their needs are in a relationship?  The first instruction is review the past failed relationships.  Look at the bad and the good in the relationships.  A relationship only continues because of good feelings in the beginning, the relationship had attributes which organically enticed us to keep coming back, things which we enjoyed. Likewise, the relationship ended, which means there were things we didn’t like, and these eventually outweighed the things we did like. Reflect on all relationships, the good and bad in all of them.

Instruction number two: create two columns on a piece of paper.  The heading on the first column is the “I liked stuff”, the heading of the other column is “the stuff I didn’t like so much”.  Then begin filling in each column.  Seems simple.  The key is to be completely honest with yourself.  Don’t allow justification of how you think you should feel stop you from being completely honest in these columns.  If it makes you feel better, no one else will read this, only you.  Let me get a little detailed here.  For me, I had a belief when I was younger that looks didn’t matter, it’s what is on the inside that matters (ever hear this?).  Now, I would love to say this is true for me, however it’s not.  I need my partner to be attractive to me.  This means, he needs to take care of himself physically -yes I am only discussing outside appearances here.  The reason I am being forthcoming on this is because this one issue could be assumed to be shallow to discuss or admit – BUT if it’s not admitted, I could end up in a relationship where I am physically not attracted – then what is the sex going to be like?  Sex is a big deal – we all have sex issues – we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t.  So, I need someone who isn’t overweight and a slob.  Simple, but a very important need of mine.  Might be shallow to some people, but I’m not looking to have a relationship with “some people” only someone who is frickin’ hot to me!

Now, how did I discover this need?  Well, I reviewed past relationships and had to admit what I didn’t like in my partners, and one of them tended to battle weight problems, there was no muscular definition, and no real desire to focus on this for whatever reason.  And, we lacked a lot of passion and sex.  I would like to have both of those things in my relationship.

One more example, for me I am a recovered alcoholic and addict.  I am very active in my emotional, spiritual, and physical growth.  I work a sobriety program in the rooms of AA.  This is who I am.  I needed a man who also was sober and in the rooms, and worked a sobriety program.  For me, it makes me feel emotionally safer with someone who knows the crazy I could experience between my ears, for someone to understand it’s temporary because I am willing to work on it.  Therefore, I need someone who works hard at emotional, spiritual and physical sobriety.  Now, here is the detail – I mean WORK a program – that means service to others, none of this lip service where he shows up at meetings, and never helps anyone, only takes from the meetings and never gives back.  Not the guy who believes one 4^th step is enough for his entire sobriety, and then never calls a sponsor or mentor for feedback because he is in step 10.  My need is very specific and I’m o.k. with that.  Where did I get it?  My first husband was sober and dry.  It was difficult working on a marriage which felt like I was working by myself.  I need a partner who is willing to stay connected to their growth.  This perhaps is the top deal breaker for me.  There is always hope when both partners are willing to look inward and bounce things off others for a different perspective.

It might feel like most of your needs will come from the “didn’t like so much” column, but there were a lot of good in my past relationships.  My first husband has a great sense of humor.  We laughed a lot together – this is a need of mine.  The point being, take your time and reflect.

Instruction number three:  when engaging in a new date, a new relationship review your list and ask yourself if the needs are being met, have they changed, or are you compromising.

The ladies I mentioned at the beginning of the blog came back with the following once we discussed their dilemmas.  1. “he doesn’t listen to me” – need – she needs someone who listens to her, and can emotionally engage – they are in counseling together and individually to help with their issues – this issue is now on the agenda.  2. “ex-spouse – really separated, it bugs me” – we discussed acceptance with the relationship she chose, she knew going in his circumstances, to cut him off when he wants to discuss it isn’t a nice or kind thing to do, we discussed her being watchful of taking a hostage in case she discovers she jumped in too soon before knowing her need around dating someone going through a divorce with kids – work in progress.  3. “I found jesus – he asked where, red flag” I discussed with her the importance of him being on the same religious page as her – why was it important? Is it because she wants him to go to church with her?  Is it because she wants to have theological conversation with him and feels he needs to have the same opinions to do so?  Would him having a faith in a god of some sort suffice if he was willing to go to church?  She admitted she doesn’t even go to church every week, she realized she had never thought about it, she just knows she believes in Jesus.  More to come on that one as she dives into this need of hers.

If you are someone in a relationship and it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, perhaps it is time to look at you, and what you have brought to the party.  I would start there vs. starting on where your partner doesn’t meet your standards.  This is where I began with my relationship journey.  (No, you might not end up with a husband #1 like me!) You might not know your standards; you might be blinded by the day in and day out of living together.  A counselor or mentor could be of great assistance – or you can reach out to me and one of my programs to provide guidance.  I encourage you to keep an open mind, there is always hope.

For the rest of you, a flourishing relationship always requires two willing parties, but if you have avoided attracting what you want and need, it could be because you never stopped and asked yourself these questions.  Your future partner might end up failing you, simply because you didn’t realize your picker was broken.   A little introspective work will go a long way.  This work can be applied to all relationships in your life – work, health, kids, etc.  More to come on that later.

Have a nice day, and enjoy the journey! You only have one!

Susan Denee

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My first experience with this emotional pain was John.  He was 6 years older than me, I was 17 at the time, it was the summer prior to my senior year in high school.  Up to that point I had only tap danced with dating, a somewhat innocent boyfriend in high school which was full of awkwardness and shyness.  John was different, he pursued me – he complimented me, he called me all the time, he had a nice car, and he wasn’t bad looking.  Seemed like a good idea at the time!  (Doesn’t it always upon reflection) What started out as exciting and passionate within a year and half turned into emotional abuse, sexual abuse, ex-girlfriend pregnant with his baby, the loss of that baby, his other daughter, the girls who called the house late at night when I was there, the lies, the mischief – it was a nightmare.  Yet, being 17, and then soon 18, I was somewhat hooked, and didn’t have the emotional stability to know better.  The alcoholic home I was raised in somewhat lacked in the toolbox arena for such experiences.  As with most train wreck relationships it ended in a fury, and I left him.  I will save you from the details of the breakup, however I will discuss the emotional tool box I came out of it with, it saved my spirit and my life.

1. I refused to linger in romantic fantasies about what worked in the relationship. I immediately remembered the bad, this blocked me from even playing with the idea of going back.  Once I was honest with the horrific nature of the relationship, I refused to allow myself to ever go back to thinking it was doable.
2. I returned to my life prior to the relationship – my friends. They had to forgive me for essentially cutting them out of my life, but they did.  I had to work at doing things I enjoyed again.  I had to remember I was someone before the relationship who enjoyed things.
3. I never looked back, and I refused to talk with him at all or discuss anyone associated with him. When the bad relationship is bad, why tinker with the idea we need to be “friends” or I need to still talk with the family.  Break the strings, and move on.  No need to play back and forth.

So, there is an example of the intimate relationship gone bad, but what about the annoying co-worker/best friend who is negative and full of bad juju?  What about the friend who only brings drama into your life, and never feeds your growth?  What about the day job you been tolerating day in and day out because it pays the bills, but spiritually you are dying at it?  Can we apply the same simple tool box to those relationships?  And what happens if we don’t cut the “ick” out of our life, and continue in the relationships?

Our lives are filled with only so many hours, hours which we are full of thoughts and movements.  If I decided to fill those hours with someone who is emotionally and spiritually draining what does this do for me?  Perhaps, it helps me avoid a pang of uncomfortable emotional pain a break up would cause, or hanging onto the job helps me avoid the fear of financial needs and family needs being met.  We assume life will be worse if we make the change.  But will it?  What if every day you no longer had to tolerate the friend, or the job?  What if daily you woke up only with energies around you which supported your path of growth and progress?  Wouldn’t it be worth it?

What do we do?

It’s simple.  We break up.  Yep, that’s it.  We break up.  Something so simple, yet the strings we have attached to the situation make it feel almost virtually impossible.   When we don’t keep it simple, in the big moments of emotional pain this is when we react and quit the job in a storm of fury, or we end a relationship with a good fight.  We leave with a bang!  We do it this way because over time we have ignored the feeling inside which is telling us this isn’t right for us any more, we have outgrown it.  We bury the voice deep, deep down.    Then one day we wake up and wonder how we stayed married for so long to the wrong person, how we spent 20 years at the same job around the same people and never liked it or them.  Would you like to avoid this?

What areas in your life do you need to get the “ick” out of it?  What are you willing to do about it? Once you admit it, the following can work as a simple guide for you.

1. Break up (yep I’m keeping it simple)
2. Only remember the bad in the beginning of the break up, this will keep you out of temptation of going back – you will have plenty of time to have positive reflection years down the road.
3. Create the enjoyment in your life immediately. Hang with the positive friend, do the fun things which speak to your spirit.
4. Don’t engage in rehashing conversations about the old relationships. It’s done, there is no reason to reflect and discuss things again – this only pulls you backwards.
5. Once the “oh fuck I did it!” settles down – go celebrate – now be reasonable especially if you are now unemployed – wouldn’t go buy a new car or anything – maybe a pair of shoes for the ladies, and a cigar for the guys?!

Standing on our own, in our beliefs as adults takes a hell of a lot of courage.  It’s never easy – however if we pause and reflect for a moment on the slow emotional burns and ick in our daily lives we will find we can eliminate them and start fresh with a brand-new experience of our choosing with who we are today, not yesterday, when we chose the relationships – but today.  Next, it will be about making sure you understand your needs in relationships so a pattern doesn’t form.

Have a nice day, and enjoy the journey!

Susan Denee

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