• Rehash your prior few months, ask yourself – do I do that? Am I quickly finding cures for all my uncomfortableness? Do I have many doctors, professionals, and coaches in my life all the time? When is the last time I completed an entire recommendation from any one professional? Write down your answers. Take it in.
• Once you have your answers written down, ask yourself how you are feeling right now. Do you have a desire to finish something someone has suggested to you? Do you feel like nothing ever works for you? Does anything feel uncomfortable for you? Do an emotional check-in.
• If you are a chronic fixer, it will be obviousness to you. Next, provide yourself a goal of sorts. Make a deal with yourself…”I will not try a new thing for “x” amount of weeks. I will allow myself space to just BE”.

Is it possible that you have become accustomed to quick fixes for your mental, emotional, and physical health? You might have found yourself running in circles all the time, and constantly looking for relief. For me, it’s been about putting a big “STOP” on the programs, the coaches, the diets, etc. and feeling my way into acceptance of RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.

In my upcoming book, there is an entire chapter dedicated to what I am discussing in this blog titled Right Here Right Now, Everything is O.K.

Enjoy the journey, you are worth it!

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Mary Anne didn’t need to add any more words, as I filled the silent pause with “I put a timeline on how long I deserve grace”. She smiled gently, offering another expression of compassion, and added “well said”.

So why do we do that thing we do? That thing when we measure ourselves up against our perceived societal expectations of accomplishment and then beat ourselves up for failing the perception? To break a lifestyle of habit, to embrace grief, and to live fully requires full acceptance of all situations and people in my life INCLUDING ME! Yet I have failed at accepting myself just the way I am, more than once or twice.

After the session with Mary Anne, I realized how far I had come over the last 8 months, I embraced the pain of both physical and emotional/mental worry and allowed myself to surrender to the universes grace. I reminded myself my husband has never complained, my children have commented its important I do what makes me happy and the roof over my head has yet to fall in. Life is definitely a journey, and it’s a nice reminder to not only enjoy it, but to enjoy you along the way.

Enjoy the journey, you are worth it!

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When we experience ongoing, nagging emotional heaviness in a specific area of our life, we intuitively know we need to make a new decision then the intuitiveness combines with the logical; “If it isn’t working, take a different direction”. Logical – right? But why is that so hard? We get stuck in the past decisions, the past results. We see our past everywhere in front of us and for some odd reason it feels secure. It feels safe. We cling to the comfortable and the predictable life we have established up to that point, and we can’t deny it’s not feeling good anymore.

Aren’t you worth a new experience? Aren’t you worth that new relationship? That new job? What about your health; aren’t you worth a new body? Aren’t you worth spending the money for the education, the new toy – especially when you know you can afford it?

Any decision I have paused for a long time over I always knew it was a matter of me not trusting I am worth a new experience. I could combine this lack of worth trust with lack of faith – but for this conversation I had to have continuous conversations with myself that I was worth the decision. It seems silly at times that my life is mine to live but I will hold off on decisions for fear of how my decision will affect others – resulting in me being miserable and thinking others need me to do something for them to be happy? How egotistical and bullshit that is!

So for today, I am worthy of my business, of my education, of my relationship, and I am worthy to make whatever decisions I need to make to be happy. At the end of this journey, it will be me and the earth – all those folks I seemingly were living my life for won’t be there, it’s up to be to determine my worthiness and it’s up to you to direct your life to the next level of peace and satisfaction for you.

Enjoy the journey, you are WORTH it!

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As a result of relationship trauma, we can fight or we can flight. For me, I said “fuck it” if they don’t want to listen, I won’t share. “the battle is obnoxious and makes no sense and I’m tired of not being heard.” – As much as I felt I was making a defining decision to survive the predicament I found myself in, I voluntarily gave in to what I perceive to be other’s crazy. I was not delusional, there were actions of others carrying the scent of misogynistic disarray.
Our crazy is unique to us. The amount of tolerance I can portray to carry regarding certain conditions is dysfunctionally impressive if there is such a thing. The feeling of guilt and shame were underlying my daily involvement working in such conditions, and I chose to wear their emotional jackets of patriarchy not realizing or admitting to myself that is what was happening. Today, I’ve been awakened yet again and this time honoring that I too can be the victim of others’ crazy. Until I experience exactly what I need to experience in order to have a new experience with my crazy, my thoughts, and my emotions will stay on that hamster wheel until I learn how to jump off.

For today, if your emotions regarding a particular area of your life are continually heavy and you feel you’ve done everything in your power to heal an area of your life, but it doesn’t seem to turn around, perhaps you are carrying the weight of someone else’s crazy. I personally needed help from another individual to help me see the veil of emotional ignorance I was living under.
And why do we do all this work? Because life is about growing and embracing the difficult moments to relish in the beautiful.

Enjoy the journey, you are worth it!

The post How are you allowing other’s crazy affect you? appeared first on Susan Denee.

We are invariably growing, evolving, maturing, and experiencing – and most of us might not even realize it’s happening. Whether it’s having a new baby and becoming a parent, embracing the newness of committed responsibility combined with physical, mental, and emotional endurance you didn’t even realize a new baby requires to acquiring the new job which comes with new personalities to understand and new job skills to apply to enduring one of the most memorable years as an individual emotionally surviving a pandemic – growth. Susan David, PHD defines Emotional Agility as being flexible with your thoughts and feelings so that you can respond optimally to everyday situations. Growth takes agility.

I only want joy. That’s all. Recently, someone messaged me “It seems like you are seeking something” And I thought – well Hell yes! Always, seeking to grasp the next level of growth for me. If you reflect in your life, you will see where you have inevitably moved forward, because let’s face it there’s no going back. Even if I unknowingly sought growth in my sad feelings or my misery – I have chosen to massage that ugly emotion until it no longer serves me, then I start to make changes – to grow. I refuse to give into mundane, paralyzing anxiety or dullness in life – and that is all I need to know to pick up the energy and try something different to change the course.

My prior 6 months have been some of the most challenging and gut wrenching of my life. From watching a parent die of covid while simultaneously hitting menopause and not in a kind of warm up phase – but full on no more hormone production and physical ailments combined with grieving. Days where I could not get off the couch. But I knew this too shall pass all I need to do is the next indicated step. (thank you for the rooms of recovery by the way for the wise advice still saving my ass almost 20 years clean). I know to keep pushing forward, the relief – the AHA moment, the joy will come. It’s on its way. Keep trudging. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Push through – you’ve got this. You are an amazing machine of growth – the universes intention for you is joy – you will play again.

So, for you today – embrace that you too choose growth – you always have, otherwise things in your life would never change – even if the change seems insignificant like the Netflix show you are binging or the new restaurant you tried – you still changed your mind.

We are meant to create and grow – that is the joy of being us. Enjoy the journey, you are worth it!

The post Grow or stay right where you are. The choice is yours. appeared first on Susan Denee.

Ultimately, if I am frozen in stillness and unwilling to do the work to move forward, I have managed to mind fuck myself into an emotional block of beliefs that require uncovering on a deeper level. For day-to-day stuff no big deal, easy hurdles to jump such as the dishes need done, the floor needs swept, etc. But for the larger ones, the writing on the book, or building the business those actions seem bigger, more at risk of failure. So, the work likes in asking myself which belief, which emotion is leading my body vs. my mind leading the action? Do I truly know what is lying underneath the inaction? No one has ever said self-journeying is an easy process, however the wisest individuals I know and the ones that have something emotionally and spiritually that I want tend to make intrinsic self-searching a daily and life time practice.

You have one journey in this current travel of life you live – how interesting and fulfilling do you want to make it? Jump in and start discovering what’s underneath the blanket of stallness you might be experiencing.

Enjoy the journey – you are worth it!

The post Are you ready to take a chance or are you afraid to fail? appeared first on Susan Denee.

October of 2016, I posted my first Instagram picture.  This was a big deal for me, as I didn’t even have a Facebook page at the time.  However, due to an awareness that the day job which had been going strong for 15 years wasn’t working anymore, I knew a change had to happen.

This above picture was on my way to work one morning. I pondered at the enormous amount of traffic. I knew this was one of the many reasons I wanted to become my own boss.  How precious is your time? I thought.  I have always just “squeezed” everything and everyone into my day, and felt somewhat good at it. That alone was a problem.  Sometimes we become so accustomed to our routine and habits we don’t realize there is an easier, healthier way to do things.

I have 3 daughters from my first marriage, 2 step sons from my second.  Still married to husband #2.  I work a full-time job, I work out 4-6 times a week for an hour a day, I started back to school online at Arizona University (I do 1 class at a time, and do not take every semester, I take this one with ease) and currently have 12 women I mentor and coach who have recovered from alcoholism and addiction.  I have been running this schedule minus the schooling & the exercising (1 year, and 3 years respectively) for over 10 years.  Quite frankly, I just make it fucking happen.

However, amidst all of that I realized after having a huge awakening in regards to my other 40 hours a week, my passion wasn’t in bill collecting.  This is the industry I have been in for over 20 years.  But what do I do with this kind of realization?  I had no college education, I was 41 when the realization occurred, what do I do?  Fuck.

The question was extremely overwhelming, simply because I knew it was going to require a lot of work to become someone else.  It was going to require being uncomfortable all the time with a learning curve in new areas I had no experience in.  Such as Instagram and Facebook.  I now understand, 3 years into this why it seems like people just “arrive” one day and you know who they are, they seem rich and happy, they have it all.  The reality is 99% of them had been busting their ass behind the scenes for years before they made it.  They deserve every bit of success that has come their way.  We didn’t hear about the struggle and the strife as it was occurring, they were surviving.

So, what was inside of them to make them grind daily?  This is the deal breaker my friends.  This is the key to forward progress.  The gut instinct you never give up on that is telling you to keep going, that there is something bigger you are to do.  It’s their why.

The picture above is one of the many things I have used over the last 3 years to keep moving forward. I use reminders like this daily to remind me why I don’t want to work a 8-5:30 anymore.  But I gotta work for it, and I don’t need to be dramatic and quit the job right away.  Things like this are a reminder to not give in when all I want to do is sit down and watch a movie, to not become overwhelmed with parent guilt when I explain to my kids why I’m going back to school, therefore study time might take away from our evening time.  To wake up at 4 am so I can pray and turn everything over to my universe, praying for those people who I’d love to tell to go to hell, but instead understand the universe operates in my favor when I respond with love vs. react with fear.

What is your why?  If you are anything like me, you have several.  Today, for me, besides not feeling any passion at the day job, I am needing to be home with my kids.  Especially my youngest – she is 10, and the nanny is no longer available.  She has siblings at home after school, but no parent home with her to give her attention.  Another is my mom and dad.  Humble people, who live in a small town in Nebraska.  They are 77, and not getting younger.  I want to be able to provide the potential elderly care they will need to help provide comfort in their upcoming years.  Financial for me personally, ironically isn’t on the table, but the real why, the real thing that keeps me headed in the right direction is I am convinced I am supposed to help thousands, and be of service to my God on levels I cannot even comprehend right now.  It’s a calling, and I am not sure how it will manifest, but I am in preparation for it.  Day in, Day out, commute after commute.  Conversation after conversation.

This isn’t an easy goal.  It’s not for the faint of heart.  I have cried more times in the last 3 years, so much it was comparable to when I got sober 17 years ago, and when I went through my divorce.  You see, I realize today I am becoming an entrepreneur, and all the crying is the letting go of the old me.  I embrace every tear, for I’m getting cleansed.  Always, remembering my why.

Faith, patience, and hell of a lot of hard work my friend.

Enjoy your journey, you only have one, you are worth it!

Susan Denee

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One thing is for sure, when any of us are in our thinking, the voices on the inside are screaming at us, and if they are not screaming at us, they are FEELING the hell out of us.  Let me explain.

You ever have an issue in your life, and it was so heavy emotionally you don’t even think about the problem anymore, but you FEEL it through to your bones?  I like to point this out to the women I mentor because sometimes there are no words to discuss the feeling they are having.  It’s a pang of pain, a gut punch of ick. Which they are having a hard time letting go of.  Ultimately, behind the feeling were hundreds of thoughts pertaining to themselves, their identity, their ego, and their beliefs.  Because they had several hundreds of thoughts, it is no longer about thinking about the issue, as much as feeling about the issue.  The inner voice has turned into an actual physical feeling – make sense?

So, what do you do to turn what is a seemingly horrific situation felt to the bone, around to a manageable situation, with hope and excitement sprinkled on it?  How do you reestablish new beliefs and thoughts on a subject which has been beaten down with preconceived notions?  You scream at it.  That’s what.  AND let me explain.

What I have found in working with others, is when they call they usually have already had debates and logic with themselves about whatever issue is at hand.  Now and then, they have assessed the situation to the extent that they don’t even tell me what happened – I call this the vague phone call.  My role at that point is pull out the scenario, to get them to talk about the actual event vs. what they think about it after the fact.   Most of the time we dig down a little and they pull right up, but every now and then they are calling after hundreds of thoughts about a situation have been taking place, and now they call because they just can’t hang with themselves anymore.

I’m pretty good at picking up on a person who is beaten down by their own perception.  When this is the scenario my objective becomes to get them to believe they can do whatever it’s going to take to overcome their obstacle.  It’s not hopeless.  I must provide a minimal b-12 shot if you will.  Get them ramped up quickly, back on their feet (usually because they are calling me on their way to work, or after work on their way home to family– it’s been my most available time for calls), until we can meet face to face and do deeper work on the issue.  The call looks something like this. Me…”Now, I’m going to ask you to repeat something after me – o.k.?”.  Female “uh-o.k.” (very skeptical at this point).  Me…”I CAN DO THIS”, now your turn.  Female “what?”.  Me…” repeat exactly what I say “I CAN DO THIS”.  Female (in a small soft voice full of doubt) “I can do this.”.  Me.. “do it again, only say it like you mean it”.  Female (a little louder still doubtful” “I Can Do This”.  Me. “do it again”. Female “I CAN DO THIS”.   —This back and forth probably goes on for about 4 rounds until I get her to confidently be almost yelling into the phone “I CAN DO THIS!!!”.  The confidence restores, she is reminded she is a powerful spiritual being, who has succumbed to her thoughts and emotions, and lost her way a bit. Now she has enough confidence to knock the hell out of whatever feeling is overwhelming her, and go about the rest of her day.  We do revisit the issue again to see if there are deeper emotions being impacted which will need dealt with, otherwise the “I CAN DO IT”, is essentially only going to act as a band-aid.  No continued progress will be made.

I personally have had to do this many times, especially as I’m working on “the purpose” blindly, might I add.  Driving to work in bumper to bumper traffic, another day of not being self-employed, another day of no website, another day of working for the man.  Building the purpose is fucking work.  And I must scream at the nasty little mother fucker in my head if he/she gets too loud, trying to convince me I can’t do it.  This technique is quite powerful, and works every time.  I like to follow up with AC/DC or Eminem or good hip hop.  By the time I get to my destination I’m dancing in my car and feel like I can take on the world.

Try it.

Have a great day, and enjoy the journey!  You only have one!

Susan Denee

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The above are actual quotes from women who I coach, regarding the men in their lives.  The women are all mid-forties, in recovery from alcoholism and addiction.  All are newly single, and dating.  They are dating while going through a new phase of their being – a sober, spiritual being.  Between them, they have years of wreckage of past relationships, and marriages.  So, I ask them – Did you make your needs list yet? And they reply – “My what? – oh that, no not yet”.  My point exactly.

What is a needs list?  Well, let me back up.  Many of us bring our wreckage from a past relationship into the new relationship, and I don’t believe we do it intentionally.  It’s more less an unconscious effort.  It’s all we know to do.  I know for me I met my first husband when I was 21, we courted over coronas at the nearby hotel lobby happy hour.  We jumped into bed, then into living together, and then into marriage and kids.  I never stopped and asked myself – what are my needs in a relationship? I would have never thought like this at that age.  Most people probably don’t.  However, after a divorce of 11 years and 3 kids later, I had to get honest with myself about what I wanted in the next relationship, what worked for me.  This wasn’t intended to be a self-consuming question, as much as a good way to avoid taking a hostage into a relationship because I unknowingly settled again for things which didn’t contribute to my happiness.

How does one get to the bottom of what their needs are in a relationship?  The first instruction is review the past failed relationships.  Look at the bad and the good in the relationships.  A relationship only continues because of good feelings in the beginning, the relationship had attributes which organically enticed us to keep coming back, things which we enjoyed. Likewise, the relationship ended, which means there were things we didn’t like, and these eventually outweighed the things we did like. Reflect on all relationships, the good and bad in all of them.

Instruction number two: create two columns on a piece of paper.  The heading on the first column is the “I liked stuff”, the heading of the other column is “the stuff I didn’t like so much”.  Then begin filling in each column.  Seems simple.  The key is to be completely honest with yourself.  Don’t allow justification of how you think you should feel stop you from being completely honest in these columns.  If it makes you feel better, no one else will read this, only you.  Let me get a little detailed here.  For me, I had a belief when I was younger that looks didn’t matter, it’s what is on the inside that matters (ever hear this?).  Now, I would love to say this is true for me, however it’s not.  I need my partner to be attractive to me.  This means, he needs to take care of himself physically -yes I am only discussing outside appearances here.  The reason I am being forthcoming on this is because this one issue could be assumed to be shallow to discuss or admit – BUT if it’s not admitted, I could end up in a relationship where I am physically not attracted – then what is the sex going to be like?  Sex is a big deal – we all have sex issues – we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t.  So, I need someone who isn’t overweight and a slob.  Simple, but a very important need of mine.  Might be shallow to some people, but I’m not looking to have a relationship with “some people” only someone who is frickin’ hot to me!

Now, how did I discover this need?  Well, I reviewed past relationships and had to admit what I didn’t like in my partners, and one of them tended to battle weight problems, there was no muscular definition, and no real desire to focus on this for whatever reason.  And, we lacked a lot of passion and sex.  I would like to have both of those things in my relationship.

One more example, for me I am a recovered alcoholic and addict.  I am very active in my emotional, spiritual, and physical growth.  I work a sobriety program in the rooms of AA.  This is who I am.  I needed a man who also was sober and in the rooms, and worked a sobriety program.  For me, it makes me feel emotionally safer with someone who knows the crazy I could experience between my ears, for someone to understand it’s temporary because I am willing to work on it.  Therefore, I need someone who works hard at emotional, spiritual and physical sobriety.  Now, here is the detail – I mean WORK a program – that means service to others, none of this lip service where he shows up at meetings, and never helps anyone, only takes from the meetings and never gives back.  Not the guy who believes one 4^th step is enough for his entire sobriety, and then never calls a sponsor or mentor for feedback because he is in step 10.  My need is very specific and I’m o.k. with that.  Where did I get it?  My first husband was sober and dry.  It was difficult working on a marriage which felt like I was working by myself.  I need a partner who is willing to stay connected to their growth.  This perhaps is the top deal breaker for me.  There is always hope when both partners are willing to look inward and bounce things off others for a different perspective.

It might feel like most of your needs will come from the “didn’t like so much” column, but there were a lot of good in my past relationships.  My first husband has a great sense of humor.  We laughed a lot together – this is a need of mine.  The point being, take your time and reflect.

Instruction number three:  when engaging in a new date, a new relationship review your list and ask yourself if the needs are being met, have they changed, or are you compromising.

The ladies I mentioned at the beginning of the blog came back with the following once we discussed their dilemmas.  1. “he doesn’t listen to me” – need – she needs someone who listens to her, and can emotionally engage – they are in counseling together and individually to help with their issues – this issue is now on the agenda.  2. “ex-spouse – really separated, it bugs me” – we discussed acceptance with the relationship she chose, she knew going in his circumstances, to cut him off when he wants to discuss it isn’t a nice or kind thing to do, we discussed her being watchful of taking a hostage in case she discovers she jumped in too soon before knowing her need around dating someone going through a divorce with kids – work in progress.  3. “I found jesus – he asked where, red flag” I discussed with her the importance of him being on the same religious page as her – why was it important? Is it because she wants him to go to church with her?  Is it because she wants to have theological conversation with him and feels he needs to have the same opinions to do so?  Would him having a faith in a god of some sort suffice if he was willing to go to church?  She admitted she doesn’t even go to church every week, she realized she had never thought about it, she just knows she believes in Jesus.  More to come on that one as she dives into this need of hers.

If you are someone in a relationship and it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, perhaps it is time to look at you, and what you have brought to the party.  I would start there vs. starting on where your partner doesn’t meet your standards.  This is where I began with my relationship journey.  (No, you might not end up with a husband #1 like me!) You might not know your standards; you might be blinded by the day in and day out of living together.  A counselor or mentor could be of great assistance – or you can reach out to me and one of my programs to provide guidance.  I encourage you to keep an open mind, there is always hope.

For the rest of you, a flourishing relationship always requires two willing parties, but if you have avoided attracting what you want and need, it could be because you never stopped and asked yourself these questions.  Your future partner might end up failing you, simply because you didn’t realize your picker was broken.   A little introspective work will go a long way.  This work can be applied to all relationships in your life – work, health, kids, etc.  More to come on that later.

Have a nice day, and enjoy the journey! You only have one!

Susan Denee

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